maybe it's just because i received a sweet package from home, maybe i'm still riding my high from last night's dancing but enjoying it so much i didn't notice my million blisters until just now (when was the last time THAT happened?), maybe it's just the beautiful weather, maybe it's my successful turning away of the evangelical christian woman outside my apartment (i lied and told her i couldn't read korean), but i have a refreshingly positive outlook for the rest of this year.
i'm not going to be TOO optimistic, i'm gonna be cautious with this and say that it might be a fleeting feeling or something. but for now i will enjoy my renewed positive energy. i think i've become too cynical (at least outwardly). i also feel like there has been a lot of discord between what i say and what i feel/think. i like to think (it sometimes fools me, i don't know if it fools others) i'm a lot steelier than i am. i like to think i've wisened up and become cynical and cautious. but the TRUTH of the matter is, i'm still as naive as ever, trust waaaaay too much as ever, believe in only the good things (in ppl and in life) as much as ever, and never see the negatives coming. i think this may be why i take setbacks/failures/disappointments so hard. not only am i not used to them, but i'm also never expecting them. when you only expect the best, for everything to always work out and fall into place, any clouds on the horizon seem rather like hailstorms from hell.
i randomly realize this throughout life, but i need to be more conscious and aware of it. i've been VERY lucky and led a charmed life. for this i am, as always, grateful. and yet i also have to keep in mind that life MOST LIKELY will not always be like this. i feel like i'm always feeling this way after i get out of my doom and gloom stage(c).
it's partially my fault for always expecting so much. i really don't know how to curb that. i always TRY and at least SAY and tell myself that i've lowered my expectations, and sometimes i trick myself into BELIEVING it, but in the end i always realize that i secretly had higher hopes and am somehow so disappointed, even when i promised myself i wouldn't be.
i rather love the fact that i really chose to come here against my dad's wishes. i love that the hard times are my own fault. i love that i have no one else to blame but myself for any trouble i have to deal with. i was talking with a friend last night, and i realized this may have been one of the first things i've really done in life that i really got to CHOOSE. i had a lot of choices laid out for me in the months before graduation, all equally enticing and beneficial and amazing, and i CHOSE this one. i CHOSE what i wanted for the next few years. (i think?) lol. so i'm happy with that. it would be unbearable otherwise.
there are definitely times i doubt this choice. i doubt myself often (altho not out loud hehe). sometimes i think i should've taken the PAID summer internship and then gone to law school with that experience under my belt. i'm not gonna lie, i'm going into law school next year COMPLETELY green to the field. i somehow always knew i'd end up there and so never really dabbled with law pre-law school. this might put me at a disadvantage relative to some other students. but i know i like wearing suits and feeling important - so those are good i guess. haha. no, i'm actually happy that i'll be going into it fresh and losing all my idealism at once instead of going into something i'm already cynical about. hehe. i'll post my why i want to be an M&A lawyer spiel sometime, it's so ideal it'll make all you readers laugh.
anyway, this rambling has gone on long enough. i need to shower and eat (french toast!) and i have a date with 이모 later. oh yes, for anyone interested: my school on ARIRANG TV Saturday 10/6 4PM. i think my part is minimal, but whatever-it's an international broadcast, which is more than i can say for Duke bball. haha. and you DEF can't mistake me for a little boy this time.
No comments:
Post a Comment