tired

(disclaimer: this was written last week in a fit of frustration at school. i now withdraw most of the strong emotion from this entry. i just still wanted to publish it.)

i'm so TIRED. tired of teaching. tired of speaking korean. tired of not understanding what people are saying. tired of speaking english slowly. tired of complaining. tired of not being in the same time zone as people i want to talk to. tired of korea's stereotypes. tired of korea. tired of kids. tired of smiling all the time. tired of always feeling pressured to say yes. tired of being unhealthy. tired of always being told i look tired. tired of being asked "what's wrong?" bc something inevitably always is. tired of faking happiness. tired of answering questions. tired of pretending to be happy for others' sake. tired of pretending so i don't hurt people's feelings. tired of apologizing. tired of apologizing for how i feel. tired of apologizing for not being happy in a country that sucks balls. tired of feeling GUILTY for not being happy. tired of missing people. tired of missing foods. tired of not being able to eat what i want, when i want. tired of always being mindful of stepping on other people's toes. tired of never having enough space. tired of never having enough quiet. tired of always doing what other people want. tired of eating stuff i HATE to please others. tired of hearing my hostmom go on about how smart/great she and her kids are. tired of hearing her tell me i'm such a useless child. tired of hostmom saying her cooking is so good. BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU, I KNOW GOOD KOREAN COOKING/FOOD, AND HERS IS NOT. MY MOM IS A PHENOMENAL COOK AND SHE MAKES PHENOMENAL KOREAN FOOD (and american food, too!) AND I'm tired of pretending to like hostmom's food and agreeing with everything she says, because this is korea, and she is the adult and my "caretaker" (she doesn't take care of me-she's never home), and i am 신세져ing on her (a burden on her) and so i should always be grateful for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. tired of the idea that "cultural ambassador" means taking EVERYTHING korea throws at me and not responding back instead of it being a 2-way street. i'm tired of complaining. i really am. i just want it to end.

(it = time in korea, not life!!!)