presents, symbolism, love, and happiness

(originally drafted late dec)

Ok, so here are 2 nytimes article on presents and what they mean
article 1
article 2

in short, they sum up what i mostly believe: gifts are symbolic of what ppl think of you, how they want you to think of them, how they view you, what they want you to be/do.

and so it DELIGHTS me when i receive a completely appropriate wonderful gift and kindof makes me "blanch" at gifts i get from ppl i THOUGHT knew me but then the gift makes me go, "WHAT???"

next thought: love - if that is where horrid gift stems from, is it really just the thought that matters? or does "thought" encompass how much "thought" they put into it/how well they know you?

to me happiness comes from successful gifting and receiving well-gifted items. i LOVE giving gifts that DELIGHT people or make them be like, OMG HOW DID YOU KNOW??? not only is it a good gift it's a signal to both the recipient and to me that, YES i do know you that well and i care enough about you to think through all your interests and hobbies and personality to pick out such an appropriate gift.

for example, so far i know that my family and most of my friends enjoy their gifts. this brings me immense immeasurable pleasure because it reaffirms to me that i know my loved ones well, and the feedback says it makes my loved ones happy and that clearly makes me happy.

receiving gifts that show ppl know me well are another kind of happiness. but sometimes getting gifts that are like WAAAAAAT what the HECK do you think of me that made you think i would enjoy this? is a real wake-up call to my relationship with that person.... and it makes me wonder if they know me at all? or if it's even necessary to know a person well enough to give them gifts that they enjoy to "know them well". is it possible to know someone really well and still give them gifts that make them say, "WTH mate?"

my 22nd bday gifts from fam/friends

yummo

just being happy ^^


thanks to care packages from seester and random travel allowed by breaktime meaning i get to skip yoga/pilates/running, i think i have gained a million lbs. or kilos. whatever.

so far i have et: scooby-doo macncheese, curly noodle soup, box of cheezits, half of nutella jar, dried mangos, half of mrs. field's cookies, ... mm i THINK that's it so far ... and that's less than half of my food!!!

i've also started dipping everything/anything in either nutella or peanut butter ... OOOooOOOoooHHHH maybe tomorrow i will start dipping everything/anything in BOTH!!! YUMMO!!!!!

ALSO, (most importantly) dipping chocolate bars a la snickers or kit kats IN nutella and THEN eating them = AMAAAAZING TASTE SENSATION ... i dunno i've been on a sweets binge lately ... all i want is sweet food

update on life: korea is cold. my skin is better and i'm attributing it to any of a few factors: weekly facials, i finally found/bought my vitamin case after losing my first one at the ambassador's house before thanksgiving so i've been taking my vitamins/fish oils regularly since tuesday, i've been eating at least one substantial meal of meat a day for about a week, i've stopped teaching. haha

those are my main reasons. i think either the restoration of the fish oil and/or meat(protein) to my diet has helped my skin get back on track the most tho. which you may think is the WRONG cause. but before it was SOOOO dry and peeling all the time as a result of my dr. skin regimen and i think my skin was trying to overproduce oil to counteract the dryness. and now it's a nice healthy level of shiny oiliness. yayy!

HEALTH/ATTITUDE UPDATE
i recently got a letter from a friend who kept up with my blogging and she said that it seems from my entries that i am not enjoying korea REALLY. and then at dinner the other night i was not feeling well and hostmom said something about how i have NEVER NOT ONCE been 100% healthy the whole time i've been living here.

so i sat and cogitated on that for a bit and i think the two are totally correlated. i HAVE always been a little under the weather healthwise since coming here. first the broken foot and nonstop colds/exhaustion/sore throat/cough since then. and obsessing about my health makes it hard to enjoy much else. pretty much any time i am doing anything that i would mildly consider enjoyable (even eating) all i can think about is how great it'll be when i go home to my room, my bed and i can sleep or nap or just REST. that's pretty much like 80% of what i think about AT LEAST whilst here. clearly, that takes a toll on how much time i spend "enjoying" my life in korea.

imo has a theory that my body is in constant breakdown as a result of my past 4 years of college life. basically that i was always too tired and stressed but being in a constant stressed out mode, my body couldn't relax but now that i have the time and means to relax a little my body is just going haywire. and i see the truth in those words. EVERY year after finals i would break down into 2week strep or flu and be bedridden for any length of time that i spent at home. in the middle of may. so maybe since i'm not all "focused" and intense right now my body senses it can loosen the grip a little and so i'm feeling every wave of illness that comes my way (weakened immune system).

i always think that health is one of those things you can't take for granted. it makes SUCH a huge difference in how you take life and everything it throws at you.

on a lighter note. tomorrow i have a massage/facial appt and then i'm going indoor rock-climbing with one of my favorite teachers and her hu-beh she's introducing me to. YAYY!!!

falling behind (I LOVE BOOKS)

so i feel totally behind on my blog entries. not because i don't think i update enough (which all of you tired readers must think i surely do!) but because i have so many thoughts that this cannot possibly keep up. this is one of the cons of living kinda isolated from a supportive and ever-present (omnipresent?) group of my peers/family/friends. i have more thoughts inside my head that never get uttered bc i don't always have an audience.

if you know me well enough to care enough to read my blog (or are really just that bored, haha) you should also know that i am a nonstop talker. the thoughts just keep on coming... but since i don't have my trusty friends/classmates/mom on hand(on the phone) all the time like i'm used to having for the past 4 years (college), the thoughts just keep getting mixed up inside my face and then i have all these half-written ridiculous drafts of posts. as i write this i think i have 20 posts in draft-mode.

well, un-needless to say, i will probably be falling even more behind in the coming weeks/month. and this is why: i GOTS BOOKS!!!

ok, here comes my big nerdy confession: I LOVE BOOKS. I LOVE READING. I LOVE BOOKS AND READING MORE THAN I LIKE FOOD AND SLEEPING. I love books and reading even more than i love shopping.

me, on a weekendnight senior year spring semester (reading...for fun)


evidence for these statements runs aplenty. when i'm in the middle of a good read, i'll cancel all other plans - to meet people, to see people, to eat, to sleep, to shower even. if the book gets boring i usually grab a granola bar or a banana and continue reading. at SOME point in my relationships with most of my friends, if i've suddenly cancelled on you or pushed back meeting you because i was "sick/tired/just have too much work" ... at one point at LEAST i was lying. i reneged because i was at a really good point in a really good book and i couldn't stop. and i'm not even a good liar... if i TEXTED you that i was sick/tired ... that was probably when i cancelled due to book-ing. it's an illness, people, it really is.

if you think i'm a compulsive clothes/shoes shopper, wait til you see my record with books. at home, we have a WALL from ceiling to floor from one end of the room to the other FILLED with books. and it's AFTER i gave away half of my books during our move to the new house after high school. and i still have stashes of books in my room and my sister's room (not to mention my dorm room-or apt. right now). for my last birthday, my wishlist was ALL books. in korea, despite vowing to not buy books bc they're heavy to ship home and keep me cooped up in my room instead of out and about travelling this country, i've bought .. well, too many books for the vow to have worked. i currently have a stack of books (ok, 9) that i have yet to finish, and somehow that never stops me from buying more. i've TRIED the "i don't need to buy books until i've finished all the ones i have" line and somehow that is NEVER a good enough reason to NOT buy more books.

this past week i was in seoul with less than $4 in cash to my name and somehow i was faced with 3 books i wanted ... (ok more but i had to compromise) ... and i KNEW i was getting a box of books from home ... and i KNEW i had to buy lunch ... but i bought the books instead. i thought to myself, "what is more important: food or books?" and somehow the books were on the counter and i had whipped out my credit card...

and NOW i finally let myself open my box from home (only AFTER i cleaned up my room) and i am OVERJOYED at how many new books i have to read!!! 12 new ones!!! so now i have 9 (original) + 3 (seoul) + 12 (home) = 24 new books!!! i'm so psyched!!! it's an illness really. a disease. an addiction. you REALLY have to drag me out when i'm in the middle of something i can't put down.

this is why my insomnia will never really be fixed i think. people are always like, oh read a book it always puts me to sleep. yea, that NEVER works for me. even when i pull out a book i think is boring ... i end up reading it until like 7 am when the daylight under my curtains catches my attention and i take a 2 hour nap before waking up at 9 for class or work. and then the whole time in class or at work the only thing i can think about is how soon i can get back to finishing that book. i'm gonna have to work out a schedule for reading ... because i have too much to be doing and seeing in these next few months ... and sometimes it's time to find a fix for our addictions.

jan plans

at the risk of sounding totally cheesy, i can't believe a week's already passed in the new year!!!

schedule for january:
last week:
12/31 head up to seoul w/kimmy
1/1 ONE concert, come home
1/3-4 kwangju/gwangju to visit family
1/5 skiing at high1 w/tom oppa, mary han & co.
1/6 didn't change out of PJs all day

this week:
1/8 go to seoul, hang out with U.S. aka albert
1/9 a few more duke interviews
1/10 DMZ trip w/ramie&rebecca
1/11 뒹굴 with jess, duke alum gettogether
1/12 see wooj and co.
1/13 head back to cheongju

next week:
hang out w/maia, find substitute activity for getting our nails done, prepare 6 English lectures, detox
1/17 make bank (aka get paid; i'm so ghetto fabulous)

last two weeks of january:
1/22 English lectures
1/23 English lectures
1/23-24 camping w/lydia's 3rd years?
1/25 English lectures
1/28 English lectures
1/29 English lectures
1/30 English lectures

maia was an absolute doll and came over for dinner and then cake date even tho she's been in korea for less than 24 hours and she had to teach after less than 10 hours of being in the country. poor jetlagged sweetheart, i don't know how i made the 2 weeks without her (don't worry ash/wint, i still love you two the most!). we swapped gifts (mine from the heart of seoul and hers from the states) and she knew jus how to take my breath away!!! we had spaghetti and garlic bread that imo made before going to get cake and fruit smoothies/juice at my absolute #1 favorite cake place in cheongju. i'm so lucky it's a short walk from my apt.

also, i'm trying to think of korean ppl-y things that are positive. and one of them is family and how impt it is/can be. i will hopefully update on that soon. i know i update too much (compared to other program kids) and in general but i also don't update enough. you have no idea (and probably really would prefer it that way) of all the thoughts in my head!!!

p.s. i've decided my new short/curly cut is NOWHERE near as cute as the original i got in jan 06, so i'm gonna go and complain or something and have them FIX it.

깨달음, or realization.

first, i was brushing my teeth before bed and i realized i hadn't changed out of my PJs all day. now THAT's a good day. =)

more importantly, what i've been realizing more and more lately (sometimes painfully) is that i don't think i came to korea to travel, or "see the world", or become more worldly/well-travelled. i know that sounds kindof, well, DUMB considering i decided to forego a year of law school and basically put my friendships and everything that was comfortable and known to me on hold for a year. but i really don't think i came to korea to know korea better either. let me explain.

i recently had the opportunity to travel through taipei (taiwan), hong kong (china), and shanghai (china) for 10 days in january and when push came to shove i decided there were more productive uses of my time and (meager) savings/earnings. i struggled with this decision penduluming between "of course i should go and make the most of my time in this hemisphere, isn't that one of the things i really wanted to do? travel asia?" and "i should stay in korea and really plan out my winter lectures and rest". practically speaking, i know i made the right decision (i would've left this thursday 1/10 and returned 1/20 the day before my 2 week lectures started).

but did i make the right decision goals-wise? WHY did i come to korea? WHAT am i doing here? reading some of my fellow Programmers' blogs today, a few of them were blatantly putting it out there, that they had pretty narrow cultural upbringings and the reason they did this program WAS, in fact, to see the world and experience many new cultures and travel as much as they could. admittedly, i now think that summer 2005 that i spent in europe was my "time to travel". i travelled all but one weekend out of geneva (switzerland) where i was studying abroad and spent time in at least 5 countries (germany, france, italy, switzerland, spain, monaco) and 1 principality. plus i returned to the states for 2 days before flying back to germany for an international catholic youth festival. and although i didn't feel it at the time, my next semester at school my body showed the effects of flitting around the euro-continent nonstop.

if not to travel, then why did i come to korea? to teach? one look at my resume will tell you i love children and teaching and esl so it might seem as though i came to korea to further my career path. but that's not true. i don't want to teach children. i don't want to teach esl. i'm going to law school in july. WHY AM I HERE? hmm, maybe to have my last hurrahs? a year of crazy and wild fun before the first year of law school - what a current law school student terms as the "amistad". well, this is certainly NOT the means to achieve THAT end.

so why am i here? i know one of the reasons i always cited when explaining my decision was to "grow up"-to become more independent. to learn to live on my own, without the immediate support i am familiar with and have no problem turning to when things get a little rough. well, let me be the first to tell you, when you embark on an adventure halfway across the world from everything you know and love, you're just SCREAMING for all the support, love, and prayers you can get from the people who know you the most/best. the FIRST thing you DO (ok, the first thing I did), is reach back for ALL the reassurance and "don't worry, you'll make it out alive" you can get.

moreover, the first step on a journey anywhere is the journey to yourself right? or did i just read that somewhere? in any case, i just found this in an old CAC email (oh, orientation and CAC memories...)

This probably sounds a little silly but my greatest motivation for coming to Korea on this grant is to grow up. I wanted to be abroad away from my immediate family and friends to learn about independence and trying to make it (sort of) on my own. I've been on this trying to get out of my comfort zone since graduating from high school. I purposely chose a college that was far from home and that I didn't know anyone else in my class. I want this experience to be one where I can learn to be myself and to adjust and learn to live with others who are different from me. I figure I have so many things to learn about dealing with myself and others during this year and it'll be an experience that I'll carry with me for the rest of my life. I thought Korea would be good place to try to do all this so that I could learn about my ethnic heritage also.

so there you have it. i came to korea to "grow up". and so i will devote myself to the task of "growing up," which has fallen by the wayside during orientation and my 4 months of teaching, during break and try to remind myself of it throughout my last 6 months here. please feel free to call me out on super-negative thinking/attitudes and acting immature about korea because i need the help. i know i haven't really been working on the "growing up"ness of my aspirations just by recalling all the negative and hateful entries/comments/remarks i've made about korea and koreans lately.

i need to breathe and start over. FRESH NEW LOOK. i said it msyelf, i want to adjust and learn to live with ppl who are different from me. i sooooo lost sight of that. let's try again, shall we? =T

life is sweet. literally.

i'm sitting in my room, drinking some swiss miss and eating crackers smothered in nutella (thank you lil seeester) for breakfast at 1:33 in the afternoon because i woke up at 11 and talked to my family and best friend(s) until 1, and i'm about to watch my favorite movie EVER, pirates of the caribbean just to pass the time ...

AND i cant help but think ... life is sweet.

it's not always what we imagined or pictured or thought would be perfect, but it's still sweet.
(this coming from the girl who only yesterday afternoon was ready to LEAVE korea because there was too much pushing and shoving in the ski lift line ...)

fickle, we humans are. but this moment is hugely enjoyable nonetheless and i will revel in it until my next IHK (ihatekorea) moment. =)

stuff that is so not really related to 광주

pics of new hair at the end. and yes you are allowed to skip.

an interesting convo:

aunt: so when ur a rich and famous lawyer, don't forget us
aunt2: yea we want to visit america
me: ok, both of you can bring 할머니 with you to my wedding
aunts laughing
aunt: you'd better have that wedding in korea
aunt2: you know your grandma won't go back to america
aunt: yea and marry a korean!
grandma: weguks are GROSS
aunts and me laughing
grandma: they are 징그러워 and they smell, too!

i believe the tv show on the busride back was called "snow: or more proof that koreans are CLAZY"
FIRRRST it was just showing ALL the snow thenn thennn ... well here we go:
1. there is a troop of young police officers helping their jeep through the waist deep snow, they head to a temple/building that is clearly very rural. i was like, oh good they're bringing help to some trapped monks or old ppl or something ... no they just PARK there and then start trekking off into the mountainside ... THENN they pick a random spot (seemingly) and start digging through the waistdeep snow in the middle of this mountain somewhere ... i'm all like umm why??? and DUHHH i should've known .. HIKERS show up at that VERY spot to be the FIRST to hike on this SNOWY mountain ripe for avalanches..

2. snow is a problem in korea bc of the plastic bag material greenhouses and the ginseng farms. the weight of the snow rips the plastic tarpaulin stuff and it all falls into the greenhouse. anyway, there is this woman waving around like a torch made of rolled up newspaper all inside the greenhouse and there are bits flying off into her hair and stuff ... SHE IS TRYING TO MELT THE SNOW OFF THE ROOF OF THE GREENHOUSE LIKE THIS

3. they show like an 80 year old woman who weighs like 20 lbs. SHOVELING through snow that comes up to her CHIN. and i'm like oh wow she's trying to rescue her grandkid or something bc of the ferocity and the urgency of her shoveling. but no no ... she has to dig out the giant brown pots outside her house ... so she can have 된장찌개 ... like seriously?? you couldn't just be like i'll put some extra WATER in my rice this morning and just have 죽 since there is so much snow out there??

4. this monk is digging through the knee deep snow .. then he wraps two brown paper boxes in plastic and straddles the thing and starts "sledding" around the courtyard. haaaaaaaahahahaha. it was HYSTERICAL!!! he's shovelling frantically one minute and the subtitles at the bottom of the screen show the narrator asking him, why are you shoveling, monk? and he answers: this is the temple courtyard and if we dont clear it, the snow freezes and wont melt until april here all solemnlike. the NEXT minute he's like slipping and sliding and whooping all around the courtyard!!

ok, there was this toddler type humanoid in my front row of the bus. who was a TERROR CHILD. he kept screaming and yelling and crying and at one point even the bus driver told the ajumma to please move because he can't focus on driving safely and the child is a menace to all of us that way. so she moves back THANK GOD. but later after the rest stop moves up and tells the kid to be quiet or they'll have to move. WELL, about 10 mintues before we arrive at the bus terminal .. he HAS TO PEE. and the way i REALIZE THIS, is he's suddenly standing up in the woman's lap, pants around his ankles, and she's holding a cup to his "peeing area apparatus". and i'm LIKE OHHHHH YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. i was so not pleased at that point in time ... OH NO I WASNT BELIEVE ME YOU. what with my ridiculous bus-sickness (which is COMPLETELY korea induced ... i used to be able to READ in cars for prolonged periods of time) and the peeing screaming child ... i was about ready to call it quits on korea. or at least go back to hating koreans for a bit.

that'll be another mission for my remaining time here. looking for koreans' redeeming factors. like how they have no personal space. or how their elbows always end up in my ribs/face. or how they're so loud whilst talking to the ppl right next to them or directly behind me. or how they STARE shamelessly at anyone speaking english. or talk about me in KOREAN right in front of me as though i can't understand. anyway, this is so not healthy for my looking for redemptatory characteristics. haha. must wake up at 4:50am. good night.

barrage

i updated/published 3 entries in the past half hour.

i predict a brief dearth of entries in the near future (until sunday at the earliest). so spread them out over the next few days to read.

nothing too fancy, just short lists of stuff i've been meaning to blog about for a while.

i'll be in kwangju visiting my 할머니 tmrw and friday then skiing on saturday. so will update with more wit and sarcasm and fantastic observation next week.

i know you'll all miss me. dearly.

Korea Disease

edit: i forgot motion sickness. that i've NEVER had before in my life. i now get it on buses (even in the front). i was not meant for public transportation. haha my mom's gonna have a cow about that line.

diseases/conditions i've been afflicted with since arriving in korea:
*adult acne
*loss of appetite
*cycles of insomnia and hibernation(napping all day)
*아토피
*chronic cold that is probably mono or the result of teaching 500 kids under 10yearsold a week
*so many knots in my back my massage lady doesn't know what to do with me
*chronic cough
*more arthritis
*chronic sore throat/broken voice
*migraines/headaches
*absolute hunger w/no desire to eat anything
*dehydration
*exhaustion
*sprained/broken right foot
*mysterious bruising
*the black lung
*chronic hypersensitivity/short temper (and you all know my fuse wasn't that long to begin with)
*ear infection

one thing's for sure: the blogs i read from fulbrighters in korea before deciding to take this on, def HELPED me lean towards the YES I WANNA GO side ... mine is SOOOO not gonna do that ...

let them taste the triple guns

who gets the reference? hint: from my favorite movie trilogy everrrr - pirates of the caribbean!!!!! (2nd one)

anyway it is referring to how i am going about dealing with all my skin issues in korea: holistically.

here is my current list of "treatments" in order of start date of using them:

neutrogena acne cleansing foam
"dr. skin" dermatologist created skin regimen (sent over from the states)
drinking more water
susemi/때미리 exfoliating at gym with neutrogena
regular sleep pattern/no alcohol
sleeping on my back (no cheek to pillow clogging pores)
new egg white retinol soap
basic facials
acne facial

nytimes health article on skin
"Still, many skin experts recommend practical steps to maintain skin as it ages and to mitigate external factors — like sun exposure and chronic stress — that could accelerate changes." no, really???

"In humans, stress can contribute to flare-ups of alopecia areata, a form of hair loss, and skin diseases like psoriasis and atopic dermatitis, a form of eczema, Dr. Mostaghimi said."
one of those HAS to be 아토피, which i have and DEF gotten worse and worse in korea.

which is odd, bc altho i have been "experiencing" less stress mentally, lately i've gotten MANYMANYMANY signals/signs that i am overstressed. (these might be addressed later)

(this was an interesting post, i know).

wow, i'm old. (UPDATED)

HAPPY NEW YEARRR!!!

or as i told kim, HAPPY NEW HAIR!!!

I have new hairs as of last night, 12/31. ok not new hairs like i got them transplanted from someone else, but they are looking different!!! i will have new pics up as soon as kim sends them to me!!

and as they do it in korea ... i turned 24 today as did everyone else born in 1985. somehow i was 22 for 2 months, 23 for 6 and a half months, and now i'll be 24 until july when i turn back to 23.

anyway, last night we went to the YG family ONE concert featuring: se7en, 1tym, jinusean, redroc, mugadang?, gummy, 정은?, 45rpm, and prob some others, and of COURSE BIGBANG. it was pretty fun in the beginning considering how much i hate concerts haha. but around 3am i got dead. poor kimmy she thought iwas scary but in all reality my body stopped functioning and i couldn't respond to anything bc i am old and it was past my bedtime by a million hours.

more later. i want to eat my curly noodle soup and go get another facial and a back massage before dinner.
will update on kimmy's visit!!!

UPDATE: ok i think my last post was friday after my last english camp class.
friday: had holiday banquet dinner for chungbuk native english teachers. twas enjoyable although i was not hungry and the food was not that good. i ate a WHOLE lot of corn, 호박죽, and japchae. not much else was notably yummy. oh, the yookhwe was ok. then i made tom oppa go to the arcade with me bc i wanted to play soul caliber ... teehee ... i beat it ... and then he made me leave haha. next, we wandered a bit before i decided i was too tired and wanted to go home (before 10pm).

saturday: kimmy came!!! we ate mcdonalds for lunch then got our nails done together!!! then we wandered over to the starbucks, then went to take sticker pictures, before finally going home. we dinguuled for a little bit before getting udon/sushi dinner and then going bowling with tom oppa and 2 of his manteachers. it was fun except for the part when i was bad at bowling. like beyond statistically predictably bad. i was so GREAT at being bad. then it was *SHNOWING* and beautiful!!

sunday: kimmy and i slept til superlate, then made macncheese for lunch, then watched friends, ate a box of cheezits (this was mostly on my own), ate gummy fruit snacks, mrs. fields' cookies, mainly gorged on the food boxes my sister sent me!!! this was a glorious time in my life. we went to get facials together, too!! finally we decided to order in my FAVORITE GOLDFINGERS for dinner. finally we headed out to noraebang bc kimmy had been wanting to forEVER. and we NRB-ed for 3 hours. twas glorious.

monday: still snowing-head up to seoul. no snow in seoul =( meet daegu 할머니, 할아버지, 삼촌 for yummy kalbi lunch. then go to our hostel and lay on the ondol floor for 2 hours. finally go to 이대 to get my haircut/permed and have a pretty decent italian food dinner before heading over to olympic stadium for YG FAM ONE concert. meet up with ray, jen, diane, jason, stacey, and christine A.

tuesday: wake up in hostel, find dunkin, eat breakfast/brunch w/ariah and amber and kim. head down to bus terminal where i pass out immediately on busride home. still snowing in cheongju. YESSS!!! make myself stay awake until 10pm so that i will be able to have a decent amount of sleep (aka not go to sleep at 5pm and wake up at 3am). i slept a whopping 12 hours MOSTLY uninterrupted and woke up at 10:30am this morning. NICE.

ok, now. i HATE concerts. i may have blogged about this before. but i hate EVERYTHING about them. the waiting in line. the fans. the noise. the lack of personal space. the noise. the people. the way everything is always late. the waiting. the people. the noise. the lack of personal space. the lack of hygiene. the waiting and crowding to leave. i hate it ALL. so i was not too pleased. i had a temporary lapse of brain when i agreed to go. haha. but apparently i amused kim with all my negativity. of COURSE we were sitting in front of the girl with the SHRILLEST voice and the MOST to say in the whole freaking place. altho i KNOW i would've enjoyed the concert tons more if i had bought one of those light sticks you can wave all night (JUST like the sellerman PROMISED). i'm so mad i didnt get one.

anyway, we realized how old we were bc i know all the songs from the 2000 YG Familennium album and knew only the YG fam members who had been on that original album (1tym, jinusean) i also knew se7en and bigbang but who doesnt? anyway, it starts, and my worst nightmare begins ... THOUSANDS (ok maybe hundreDs?) of teenybopper girls SCREEEEEAMING for NO reason??? at the top of their lungs ... i dunno how i didnt take this into account beforehand ...

The Happiest Place/Time in the World
but anyway, overall i enjoyed myself. it was a memorable new years. altho when they first showed the countdown in seoul with the big "bell-ringing" i cried because all i could think of was how i ALWAYS spend new years eve with my family in our family room watching the times square countdown and then eat tongdak afterwards while my dad's flips between regis philbin and teleMUNDO bc altho he understands regis, watching telemundo's coverage of new year's eve is FAAAAAR more entertaining. and i've realized, i am jsut one of those ppl who is a family person. i dont enjoy drinking with my peers on new year's eve, it's not nearly as enjoyable as spending it warm and cozy with my family on the couch as my dad roasts sweet potatoes in the fireplace. that's just about one of the happiest places in the world i think. my house at the countdown, as my parents rush home from xmas eve mass to make the countdown with us girls. THAT is true happiness and something to be thankful for at the turn of the year. a perfect way to end one year and start the next, enveloped in my family's love.

somehow this entry got sappy, and i apologize if you are green with envy and/or mockery at how "leave it to beaver" my life can be, but this is how it is, folks.

xmas was not too xmas-y

i think it helped that korea is not overly xmasy. if it were i would've had a bigger sense of what i was missing and been much sadder i believe and felt lonelier. but since eveyrone in korea retty much treats it like any other day, i was able to also. aside from opening wint's card and present. id ont think i even sang any xmas carols on 12/25. very odd. considering how that is my favorite music genre. also. i load all the xmas music on my ipod on 12/1 every year since i've had one. it's like my speical countdown treat. but this year the 24 days from start to finish went by MUCH too quicly. it's like the world knew how hard this month could have been for me and somehow it flew by in my consciousness where i seriously hve no idea wher ethe time between thanksgiving and NOW has gone. very odd, but omforting in a way also.

right now waiting on emails from some VIP (very IMPORTANT People) in my life. i get really impatient with this time difference and i HAT Ehaving to wait to talk to ppl i really dont feel like waiting to talk to! i get really antsy/anxious/excited about the ppl i love and this time difference thing is killing me. (i KNOW if i had to they' be totally willing ot listen ...) but usually i just wanna call and be like COME ONLINE SO WE CAN WEBCAM AND I CAN SHOW YOU MY NEW BOOTS!!! and then they would hang up the phone and silently curse me in their sleep and dream dreams of sweet revenge. so i must be patient (don't worry mommy-no new boots - that was just an example)

i'll come back and clean this up. i'm dizzy so that must mean it's past my bedtime. good night.

oh p.s. mommy/jess: i feel like i haven't talked to daddy on the phone for a while so make sure he's home tonight when you guys call me - i'll be awake around 9:30 my time but call AFTER 10am bc i have to eat breakfast with hostfam thanksloveyougnite.

korea is funny ...

AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY HAAAAIR!!!

today i taste freedom. from teaching. from little kids. FOR TWO FREAKING MONTHS!!!
WOO~HOOoooOOOooOOooOOoo~~~~~~~~~~~

lesson emphasizing "can i borrow (enter school supply here)?"
student: teacher, scissors
me (prompting): "can i ..."
student: ... HELP YOU?

restaurant corner:
me: who do you see in a restaurant? WHO?
person
people
cook
elephant
MANY people
steak
mom
servant

leaving hweshik lunch today, 5th grade coteach is walking 100 yds in front of us all alone
me and 3-4 english teacher: AUDREY선생님!!! why are you walking alone?
5th grade teacher: my face
... she got some moles removed yesterday and isn't allowed to wash her face, put on makeup, or let anything come in contact with her face and she thinks it's a horrendous sight so she had left lunch early so no one would have to see her .. haha

english camp was super awesome. it was gratifying bc i really felt like the students have learned SOME english (if not quite a LOT) this past semester. they've at LEAST improved HUGELY in classroom english comprehension. THAT counts for a lot for me. they've come a LOOOOOONG way from when i first saw them. no cheesy anecdotes right now.

oh, so 3-4 official english coteach is BAAAAACK from maternity leave. it was soooo good to see her. omg on wednesday when i saw her walk in the back door of the classroom i teared up. which is odd bc it's not like we were super close or anything but it just made me feel soooo good that she was back!!! she is DEF the best at english of the english teachers at school and the youngest of the 3 and she was the one who took the most care of me and stuff like that in the first month before she left to have her baby. i'm so happy she's back!! even tho it does surprise me that i'm as happy as i am, hehe.

then TODAY, i teared up and nearly welled over AGAIN when saying bye to 1-1 coteacher (again). i dunno why but i totally love her. she was my FAVORITE coteacher and the greatest one. her class was by no means one of my best/favorite/well-behaved/smart but class with her was always fun and amazing. she's just transferring schools and she told me she's not moving and promised she'd call me over break for coffee (well she said she would have coffee and i could get tea bc she remembers stuff about me like that =). i dunno, she just helped make my transition to korean life much easier and has always been amazing. i am thankful for the wonderful supportive ppl i meet in my life =)

foods i miss:
*goldfish crackers
*white cheddar goldfish crackers
*eating goldfish crackers by the spoonful with winty before, on the walk to, on the walk back from, and after going to the gym
*raspberry milanos (esp. when other ppl buy them for me)
*pork chops from george's
*asparagus
*avocados
*chocolate chip cookies
*oatmeal cookies
*spinach and cheese dip, artichoke and cheese dip, lobster dip & tortilla chips
*sauteed mushrooms
*wheat bread
*blueberry morning cereal
*banana nut bread
*going to the refectory for lunch

what should i do with my hair?

cut it short?




or grow it long?

rude skiers

anyway, the main thing i want to write, how koreans bring their lack of personal space and pushiness onto the slopes.

mostly it's pretty bad on the subway and on the streets and sometimes in stores. they just push and shove and there are no apologies or sorry faces or "excuse me"s.

i've mostly gotten a little more used to it. this translates into, i push and shove back and figure if they wanna be "ugly koreans" then i'm gonna be an "ugly american" with no manners either. i also have taken to talking about them in english out loud instead of just muttering under my breath. they usually don't even notice i'm talking about them, but when they do they definitely understand my tone and the derision in my face.

so anyway, this past weekend when i went skiing, THEY BRING THIS ATTITUDE TO THE SLOPES!!! and to make it worse the resort we went to at least, doesn't really have lines or roped line making areas like in america (land of rhyme and reason). they have a GATE type entryway right at the front of the lift and there's just this MASS MOB THRONG of people behind it ... it's ridiculous. ALSO, this is not like walking down the street in a coat .. this is like THERE ARE METAL POLES BEING STUCK AT ME from all angles and people SLAMMING their snowboards on my toes!!!

but i soon figured out a way to elbow them out. and eventually i just got annoyed and started commenting on this ridiculousness to my hostsibs in english. at one point i was POINTING to the kid right next to me and saying he was rude. i understand this was childish and just as rude if not more of me to behave in this way ... but sometimes ... you just need a release. i promise i will search for healthier ways of taking this in and being more culturally ambassadorial. (that'll be one of my quests in this coming semester).

next observation: there were very young children and college students and adults on the slopes ... but no middle/high school age students. i slowly noticed this. at first i was just like, oh look at all the young children. oh look at all the young adults. ... and finally i was like waaaaaaait ... where are all the adolescents??? studying at home and going to hakwon ... poor korean students ... horrible cyclically torturous education system ... it was so odd .. there's a WHOLE DEMOGRAPHIC missing from the merrymaking and fun in korean culture ... =T

pre xmas notes

ok. so to clarify. the last post was NOT about xmas. altho it would've been an AMAAAZING xmas present.

at this point i don't know how excited i should be about the proposed *thing* but it's ok.

i had a pretty sweet ski weekend with the hostfam =) and just got back.

i'm a LITTLE jealous that i missed the seoul powwow with man선생 but it's ok. i'll see my favorite faces tmrw anyway.

also, so, we got back from ski weekend a little early and i wanted to go to the gym. so i gear up and head out. and i get there and THE GYM IS CLOOOOOOSED!!! booooo!!!! so then i head over to my dance/yoga studio to see if they'll let me take a class NOT at my scheduled time just bc (ykno it's xmas and they really like me cuz i'm from american and i speak english) and halfway there i see the building is all dark and remember they only do classes on weekdays =(

so i come home ... and it's OKAYYYYYY because i just got another xmas package!!! this one is from Hannah and 정민 언니. i'm debating opening it now... and i will ... hehe after my shower (so it's like a reward!).

i already opened one xmas package from my family (i have 2 more coming!!! teehee) and i'll open the one from Hannah (and the Park fam) tonight and i'll save Wint's for xmas day when i get back from seoul. haha, WINT, i know you'd freak if i opened it early bc it's not ACTUALLY xmas!! =) this year we are opposites of last year with me getting my present early and mine to you arriving late!!

also, i'll update after i shower, about how korean ski resorts try my patience ... haha

i'm so excited

i might pee my pants right now
but i'm not sure yet
and i don't want to get excited about something that might not happen
but it's hard
and i know someone else who is at least as excited as i am if not more.

family.

sometimes i miss my family so much it hurts.
my sister just started a blog and emailed the link to my family and my dad jsut responded with another email and reading it was so wonderful and got me started crying. and it hurts so much to be so far away and know i wont be able to see my family for so long. i have the most wonderful loving family in the world and many ppl think they went overboard and spoiled me rotten but i don't care bc they are my favorites. i miss my parents and my sister so much. and i jsut want to hug them for a week and not let go. (it would be pretty awesome if someone would feed us tho even whilewe are in the hug).

i refuse to sit here and cry like a baby tho so i'm gonna go to pilates dance class. it'll be a good pickmeup.

i miss them so much.

oily!

written last night: 12/19/07:
Ok. My internet is down for some reason. I have no idea why but I’m annoyed because I did a good deed today and that means good karma should be coming my way but internet not working = bad karma. Haha. I sound like a brat.

convo of the day: (walking down to oil-covered beach)
me: i'm so excited!! teeeehehehehe
kim: umm you know this is just manual labor?
me: i KNOW!!! manual labor is so exotic to my life!!!

Today was fuuuuuuun. We all (korea haha) had the day off to go and vote. And since I can’t vote I decided to do something else civically minded: help clean up the taean oil spill. (ok, to be honest it was maia’s idea, but I thought it would be good).

So we take off at 7:30 to daejeon where we transferred to another bus going to taean. But FIRRRRRST we wandered a bit in daejeon and FOUND A MCDONALDS OPEN FOR BRAEKFAST!!!! THIS MEANS …. SAUSAGE MCMUFFIN!!!

Yesssss!!! I had been craving one since my 1st class yesterday. I don’t know why but yesterday morning I was jus all like, OMG I WANT A MCMUFFIN. And so maybe that was my good karma. We ate at mcdonalds and wanderd around the homeeplus trying on sweet animal hats.

We slept all the way to taean where kimmy bought us lunch. It’s really pretty and open and you can see the sky!!! Kimmy’s sweet hostparents drove us to our site. Along the way there were white tents giving away cleaning up gear so we scored some boots, protective onesies, and gloves.

We got to an acceptable site and geared up.

Then we dove in by starting to scrub down rocks coated in oil when the tide went out. We did this for about an hour and a half. The weather was AMAAAAAZING. There was a crazy guy with a megaphone thing and we ignored him for a while cuz I only heard random bits and thought he was spreading the word of God and being all evangelical.


But finally we realized he was just using God to get us excited/motivated but mostly asking us to help with the long line of bucket passing that was behind us along the coastline. People coming from that direction were COVERED in oil and we decided there was like an oil pool/field/pond over yonder and maia decided we had to see it. Well …. Bad decision. As soon as we head in that direction the assembly line calls us and we get sucked in to passing buckets full of .. surprise surprise … OIL.

It was gross and amazing how much oil there was!!! The buckets were full of brown/black GOOP. At first it reminded me of fudge and then it reminded kim of chocolate pudding. But it smelled pretty much like oil.

Next exciting thing: WE SAW 신정환!!! Apparently he was doing some PR thing for some TV show. And he walked along our assembly line and apparently went down to the end where he scooped two buckets before he left. I wanted to stop him and say we were fans from America so he would talk to us but KIM wouldn’t let me. And I couldn’t take a picture because I was mid-bucket passing and we thought the angry Koreans yelling at him that half the work was already done would not be too pleased if I stopped passing buckets to take a picture. Haha.

So, yea we kept passing buckets until 5 when kim’s hostdad came to get us. It was a good day’s work. We left Taean at 6:10 and I got home around 10. I’m exhaauuuuuuusted right now but really happy we went and tried to help. =) it was beautiful out there and I can’t wait to visit again.

3 of us after finishing:


me! goal accomplished! (my goal for the day was to get super dirty, that way it would look like i really did a lot of work)


p.s. 이명박 seems to be the new president.

Completely unrelated to the president thing, but I am happy.

TPOPT (the power of positive thinking)

today was a frustrating day for weguks in cheongju.

it could've been a far worse day if not for my POSITIVE THINKING!!!

haha. well it was my last day of class! and things went pretty well. normally i hate tuesdays cuz it's 4 classes of 2nd grade (blech) haha i'm kidding. i just like them less than my 1st graders which isn't saying much cuz i LOOOOOOOVE my 1st graders. anyway. i decided to change my attitude and decided today was going to be fun with the 2nd graders!!! w00t! and it WAS! the kids were the same as ever at english (that is to say, they were not so good but hysterical).

then the downs syndrome girl (not a nickname, she has downs and i dont know any of my students' names) told me she liked me better than all the other teachers and that i am very pretty and have pretty shoes, too. haha. but that changes everyday. last week she said she didn't like me bc she is bad at english. haha. but it was a good feeling to have her talk to me at least.

next, mad errands. my phone bill got paid, no biggie. then headed downtown, filled out all the paperwork ... the bank guy says "do you have your passport" and i'm like uhhhh it's at home .... so of course i'm in a poop mood bc i had thought going INTO the bank oh this is gonna suck but then i was like, no no think POSITIVE and i smiled but it STILL sucked. anyway, POSITIVE THINKING: it was a good thing i came home bc i had to PEE like i was niagara falls. ok i kno that was TMI (too much info) but if i exaggerate it makes me feel not as wasting time that i had to come all the way back home for my passport. plus, i called franklin and just speaking ENGLISH to someone made me feel better about the bank thing.

also, i saw jamal crossing the street while i was on teh bus home, and saw him coming out of HIS phone place on my way BACK to the bus stop. so it was good to talk to him. sometimes, jus ttalking in english makes me feel better. and jamal was having a bad errand day, too, so commiserating was good.

head back downtown, figure out bank biznass, met up with maia, had another positive thinking moment, but now i forget that one. but maia and i were thankful for our hostfams again. =) and each other. seriously, this girl is my sanity in cheongju. i dunno what i would do without her.

i sent all my xmas cards minus 2 today (they are both waiting for package completion). sent my sister 2 packages!!! (surprise!) and got myself a 6,000W sweatshirt to wear to taean tmrw that i wont mind getting oil on. maia and i got matching shirts so we will be a couple. haha. (mommy, i'm gonna wear my new underarmour you sent me and i'm so excited about being warm!)

ohhh funny story for today: i haven't had any in a while, i'm sorry:
so in 2-1 class, there is this one boy in the front who does the 노홍철 저질 댄스 to EVERY song/chant we ever do in class. it's quite hysterical. if you are not familiar with it please enjoy:
at 11 sec. dance 1


and this one at 43 sec and 55 sec. dance 2


anyway, so he KEEPS doing it today while we are learning a new song for 10 minutes. and even a cute thing gets old. the other kids are telling me, "teacher he is crazy he crazy boy crazy, crazy boy him" so FINALLY i say: "i know, 돌 아이" and they FALL APART. hahahaha. this takes a little explaining if you don't get it right away. (is that redundant?) it is reference to nickname of the blond guy 노홍철 who does the dance and it is a play off the word for a LOON. (that is roughly what this all amounts to) they were blown away by my cultural reference and also that icalled my student crazy. it made for some nice bonding.

now the other funny part: tonight is dance/pilates for my yoga/pilates studio. we alwasy do these pelvic thrust things the whole class (focused on abs and crunching motion, go figure) and we start doing the 저질 댄스!!! hahaa. i was DYING laughing as i was doing it. but it really did work my abs. so it was great. if my students could've seen me they would've DIIIIIIED.

ok, taean at buttcrack of dawn tmrw so sleep now. gnite, loves.

6 months (exactly)

me (elf) and santa (ray)


family xmas pic: jason, me, our daughter, and jess-the nanny


me, jess, kim =)


i should probably write some deep and meaningful reflective entry about the last half year of my life in korea. but i'm about to pass out (less than 5 hours of sleep for 5+ nights combined with nyquil=sleeeeeeeepy). i've been very american in putting off my xmas card writing. perhaps i'll try to do one or two tonight.

this weekend was a great great one. friday i did a bunch of random stuff in the morning, then yoga, then nails with maia, hot cocoa and toast with maia, then visiting subway unni, then visiting 양신부님 and a free ride to the retreat meeting/reunion. then of course dinner and drinks afterward. i came home pretty early bc of gumi the next morning but got to saw a teensy sprinkling of snow!!!

heading to gumi sat morning w/maia. arrive at orphanage and chillax til lunch and xmas party activities began. it was a day of ETA and children!! it was a loooooot of fun, despite the freezing cold indoors. (yea i know). i am writing in my journal about a lot of the thoughts i had. perhaps i'll share some later. but in general, the question of "parental love" and what that entails/means came up in my mind a lot. i was so grateful for my parents and wonderful family and everything i grew up with. and it only emphasized in my mind the need to give back. because i did nothing to deserve the situation i was born into (i don't believe in reincarnation, not exactly). so i feel like i ought to do something and give my amazing karma back to the world. but anyway, i'm droopy in the eyes, so i'm gonna journal and xmas card and sleep.

PROMISE (kindof) korea 6-month entry. soon. this week. i've been busy lately. (and maybe too cool to blog?) GASP. haha.
schedule for the week:
monday - 3 classes. (xmas/bank errands). end of year dinner w/2nd grade teachers.
tuesday - 4 classes. (LAST DAY OF CLASSES!!!)
wednesday - taean for oil spill cleanup helping =)
thursday - no classes. 1st grade teachers end of year dinner.
friday - FINITO!!
saturday/sunday - ski trip w/host fam
monday - xmas eve ^^
tuesday - xmas
wed to fri - english camp
THEN FREEDOM until jan 22.

pro boxer

i am a dork. i was going to take a shower and i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in my sports bra and bathrobe ... and decided i looked like a boxer. like hillary swank in million dollar baby. and i felt really tough and cool. (mind you, my sports bra was acceptable ... but my bathrobe is fluffy and bubble gum pink ...) i probably did not look anything like a boxer.

(this was pretty pointless) haha. im going out for a nails date. i'm wearing a bunch of american clothes today. 7 jeans, new abercrombie sweater from mommy, new *GOLD* coach sneaks from mommy!!! i'm psyyyyyched. then i am writing letters and xmas cards. so if you are one of the few who reads this religiously, you can prob expect from xmastime mail. =)

and i feel good cuz i had DDUK instead of cheesecake. and my host bro told me dduk is good for you ... i hope so? it seems like refined rice flour and sugar to me .... but whatever. i heart 떡.

teeehehe

it's gonna be a good weekend.

it started off today with loads of good news at school. a successful last day of 1st grade classes. and WOOHOOO getting my xmas package from hooooooooome!!!

i opened my surprise packages while i was on the phone with my mom and yippeeeeee for presents!!!

tmrw i'm going to yoga and the gym in the morning. followed by i will probably eat half of the cheesecake my 1-4 teacher gave me as a thank you present for lunch. this thought makes me *GIDDY* with excitement!!!

then xmas nails date w/maia. followed by VIDA ppl at night!!! yayy!!! i've been waiting over a month to see these faces!!! (i hope i don't cry!)

then saturday off to gumi TO DRESS UP AS AN ELF. pretty much i can tell this entry is gonna make everyone so jealous of my amazingly sweet life. i get to dress up as an elf. talk about holiday dreams come true! (PLUS i am doing a good deed for orphans). SCORE!!!

another random thought, sunday is my official 6 month anniversary of landing in korea. i will reflect deeply on that in a few days. for now, THINK ELFY THOUGHTS!!!

i'm gonna look like THIS!!! YES!!!

Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.

Buddy: I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite

whirlwinds of fun.

i'll say this much for my life. it's NEVER boring. i just had a class where one of the boys is "in love" with me and then another one starts crying at the END of class and no one can calm him down except a few of the boys take turns trying to calm him down and alternate between carrot and stick methods.

apparently the issue at hand is SOMETHING money related. i have no idea what is going on. the meanish one kept hitting the sweetlooking one during class so i was not happy with him. but then at the end apparently the meanish one says that the sweetlooking one keeps telling MO that he owes SLO money. then later after everyone leaves and i am talking to SLO he says that the MO keeps taking his money. so i have no idea who is telling the truth or what is really happening.

anyway, lunch was ok. i heart 파전. it's so deliciously tasty and yummy. i could eat it every day all day. then i would be a fattie. haha.

these 5th grade girls jus stopped by. 2 of them had been in one of my english camps and they brought a bunch of their friends. there was some crazy konglish going on. and the one is admittedly crazy. she reminds me of 송이 when she was younger. haha. and/or me. altho i think i've calmed down quite a bit. and thre is a new 방방 nearby!! i'm SOOOOO excited for the 방방!!! haha and these students' english is GREATtastic. i'm SOOOO excited!!!! i'm gonna hang out at the 방방 (trampoline!) and play with my students!!! heeeehehehehehehehe

entry later (when i go home) on my many questions.

MOMMAAAAAAAAAAA~

my mother's universally accepted truisms:
(edit: this is not a malicious entry, it is a "i miss my mommy sooooooo much" entry!!!)

me: describe me in one word (for college app wkst)
mommy: noisy

mommy: you know you are really 멋있어 until you open your mouth? you LOOK intelligent and sharp, but once you start talking that all breaks down. you shouldn't talk.

mommy: no one is going to date you or marry you if you keep eating like that. it costs too much to feed you. this is why i will have to live with you until i die. 내 팔짜야!! MY LIFE IS SO SAD!!!

me: i wanna get short shorts
mommy: like hotpants?
me: yes
mommy: but your legs are like tree trunks!

mommy: you only say two things: "i DON'T understaaaaaaand" and "i'm gonna diiiiiiiiiiie". my oldest daughter is stupid and diseased. 내 팔짜야!! my life is so sad.

mommy: i don't see YOU walking around. i see a 돈떵어리 (giant chunk of money) walking around.

me chasing my sister and puppy around the house
mommy: 임지혜!!! stop running!! you'll break my house!!

(i call home)
mommy: what do you want? you know it scares me when you call? you always need money or want me to buy you something or send you something. go study.

me: you NEVER remember anything i say!
mommy: you talk ALL the time. you say a LOT of things. most of them are useless and stupid. if i remembered everything you said, i'd be the world's biggest idiot.

mommy: you know i am so scared of you? you are so cranky. any time you ask for something or complain i have to fix it right away. i am so scared when you're not happy. other daughters treat their moms like queens. but no, i am your slave. i tried to be a good mom but now i know i did it all wrong. (shaking her head)

the REASON why i started missing my mommy so much? i wanted someone to 귀파 me. i am super anal about stuff and my ear hygiene is one of those things. at duke i got into the habit of going to student health just to have my ears irrigated. it was so amazingly clean and fresh feeling. usually also, whenever i go home i have my mom do it for me. i've been wondering lately what to do about my ears (it's been nearly 6 months!) and so i kept missing my mommy. =] ㅠ.ㅠ


"A mother is she who can take the place of all others but 
whose place no one else can take."
-- Cardinal Mermillod



"The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes one a mother—which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician."
-- Sydney J. Harris



"A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary."
-- Dorothy Canfield Fisher


where are you, christmas?

my adorable ex-puppy (we gave him away) after a trip to the puppy salon before xmas in 05


adooooooorable!!!


3 pts if you get the reference

i nearly cried today in class. but first, i have no brain. lately i have been increasingly acting as though my brain were, in fact, missing and/or gone. i.e. i was trying to INSERT a videocassette by repeatedly hitting the EJECT button and wondering why nothing was happening. this happened for like 5 minutes.

anyway, i had yesterday (monday) off due to exams. somehow, i decided this morning when i turned off my alarm that TODAY was MONDAY and i didn't have class til 10. it WAS, in fact, TUESDAY, and i had class starting at 9. my 2nd grade teachers had a good laugh about that all day. they all entered my class giggling and asking me how my monday was? they are the best =) and when we went over the date, and i was like "TODAY IS TUESDAY" my favs 2-3 asked me, "really?" and winked.

anyway, back to nearly crying. since yesterday's 3 classes had no english this week is outside the textbook curriculum. today's classes got to make snowflakes and learn "jingle bells". as my kids are BELTING out "jingle bells jingle bells 징글어워요ㅛㅛㅛㅛ!!~" i start tearing up at how much of christmas i'm missing.

for example, "jingle all the way" the xmas classic starring the governator as that bad parent who is trying to get his kid that robot toy guy. the grinch on TNT! those animated xmas movies like rudolph, the one with the yeti, and the one with mr. snow and mr. sun!! ELF!!! (i THINK i brought that. i HOPE i did!). love actually! CHRISTMAS MOVIES!!! and altho xmas is STARTING to take hold in korea, the decorations and stuff are not as widespread as at home.

we did see a sign for *X-AMS* in a GS25 along with HAPPY HOLLYDAY!!! in homever. christmas is very different here. it just isn't the same. PEOPLE DONT BUY REAL TREES!!! altho i suspect this has more to do with korea's love for pine trees (and preserving them), i want that SMELL in my house! and since there is no tree, there is no place for multiple plentiful gifts to congregate!!! actually, it doesn't seem like my host fam is THAT into xmas in the materialistic sense that i love.

they have a token singing less than 3foot tall xmas tree with cotton balls the hostsis decorated. but no wreath or fireplace decorations (well, no fireplace at all) or stockings or anything. and it doesn't look like sending xmas cards is tHAT widespread here either. and the kids haven't even started discussing presents ... whereas i give my family the preliminary list around thanksgiving!!! and then it just grows from there!

admittedly i am a little kid who loves presents and toys and act of giving and receiving. still, i miss what this holiday means for me. it'll be kindof a lonely holiday, indeed. without my family gathered by our tree after xmas eve mass (and/or xmas morning depending on how patient i am) opening their presents, and then watching me open mine (i always get the mostest!!!). and then i miss my stupid adorable dog wallowing in all the paper and ribbon. chasing himself silly and snuffing about in our laps bc we're all ignoring him!

i miss watching hannah in the nutcracker. 딩굴ing all day with my sister and making her do xmas movie sleepovers with me. sitting in my kitchen watching our snow covered backyard and the little critters that visit. trips to the mall for presents. for me. haha. (my mom) driving in the snow. our fireplace and sweet potatoes roasting in there ALL day!!! making my parents watch movies with me and my sister jus bc i have nothing better to do during break =)

i miss christmas. this will be a tough year, in looking for the "christmas spirit" and what it REALLY should be. love and family and gratitude to be able to give and share with the people that i love most. being so far from everything familiar and comfortable to me is really making me appreciate what i have. and maybe that should be my xmas lesson for 07.

things i own that i miss

khaki peacoat
orange clutch
white patent leather bag
gold rhinestoney sandals
faux fur (i'm animal friendly!) capelet
grey benetton coat
my prom dresses (and sitting around the house in them when i'm bored)
orange longchamp purse
red suede purse
my graduation diamond necklace =(
pink graduation dress
brown suede boots
legwarmers
hot pink mini
all my colored blazers!
my pink bebe j.lo tracksuit a la lil cricket
my plaid jcrew mini
my fish market ajumma vest (haha)
my dresses
my undies!!!

I'll Be Home For Christmas

(I have no idea why... Originally drafted 12/1/07)

I'll Be Home For Christmas.

I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
Please have snow
And mistletoe
And presents 'neath the tree

Christmas eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams

Christmas eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
If only in my dreams

we scare, because we care

5 points if you got the allusion above.

i had no school today due to the ONE day of exams my elementary kids get. it was very nice. well, first, a recap of this weekend.

jess came to cheongju on saturday. it was so lovely to see her and 딩굴거려 together. i got my nails done, then we walked around waiting for minsuksan to come join us. then we walked around some more waiting for maiasan. finally we all four went to go eat dinner!!! after dinner we walked a bit more then went to a cafe where we sat around and were lazy for like 2 hours. it was a good day. plus i took buses all day so i was very thrifty. jess and i were super awesome and read before going to bed. haha

sunday: we woke up and 딩굴ed some more. we went for lunch with my hostfam (감자탕) and then jess and i took my hostsis to the arcade place in the CGV building. UMMMMMMM I FOUND TWO OF MY TRUE LOVES THERE!!!!!! TETRIS AND SOUL CALIBER!!! i am soooooooooo going there alllllllllll the time!!! for 500won i can have like 30min+ of fun (with tetris) and hopefully i'll get my soul caliber skills up again so that 500w will last me at LEAST 30 min. GAHHHH!!!! this is why i never START/dabble with video games ... i get more addicted than you boys out there.

anyways, after that we came home to 딩굴 again until dinner. which was my favorite, BBQ chicken's GOLDFINGERS!!! MMMMMmmMMmmMMmmmMMMMmm!!!! delicious white meat chicken tenders with some kind of spicy light tantalizingly crunchy coat!!!! yummo!!!! then jessica left =( and i read and went to bed early.

i was going to write a lot more but i'm tired and need to rest before yoga and the gym. im gonna reread my letter from winty (i got ur xmas package today!) and then go back to my book for the week. and then workout. oops. i almost forgot i need a lesson plan for tmrw. haha sometimes i forget that i need to teach.

clazy

i have too many thoughts to record. anywhere. my brain is a mess all over the world. hehe.

the more i try to slow down, the happier i've been feeling. and more fulfilled and satisfied. rather than my first choice of remedy to the homesick blues, which was to pack my schedule and keep my life frenzied and crazy crazy crazy!!!

so many issues and things to think about.

my life is good. i'm happy for what it is right now and more and more excited for what's to come!

p.s. i had this dream where i was harry potter (but i looked like me) and i had his talents and skills (i.e. awesome broom flying) and voldemort and i had to keep having these showdowns but they were all local to where i grew up. one was in my friends' house and another was in verona park, etc. it was so terrifying, i think i woke up when i was racing threw the cedars without a decent conclusion of either of us dying.

xmas card pictures from this weekend:
leejihae and sexy xmas tree


me w/sexy tree


maia w/winter scene


jess w/winter scene


me w/winter scene

life is good

ok. barrage of updates/entries in production. many many drafts. (not to say they will be in good condition when i publish - just that there are many entries of just bulletpoints).

my life right now is good. i am a very lucky girl. i think the walk from home to gym is shorter than the walk from wilson to few quad. my walk from home to school is shorter than walk from the WEL to soc psych. i recently joined yoga/pilates classes and altho it's nothing like the ashtanga i miss and my body craves, it's decent. the instructors are ridiculously adorable and perky and upbeat. and altho yoga doesn't make me sweat like i'm used to, they do a lot of "korean" workouts like upper arms, abs, and thighs. which is good for me bc those are the first places i gain weight.

i've chatted with one of the trainer guys at my gym, too (he needed english help for these weguks but that's another story) and they're all really nice, too. they are super friendly to me and always helpful. i'm thinking of possibly signing up for a few training sessions to learn how to diversify my workout cuz i've been getting bored of jus running and stretching. (the weight machines LOOK mostly the same but also kindof different and i dont know how many KGs are equal to the LBS i'm used to).

my host family is great just like always. altho they have started to get on my nerves sometimes. i think this is just normal living with a family type feeling. they don't DO things on purpose to annoy me, i jsut get annoyed sometimes by their habits or stuff like that. but i'm sure that means they feel the same way about me too so that means we both need to be better around each other. =)

lydia came to visit on thursday and we saw EVERYONE (minus maia) and that was fun. then yesterday was an all day english native speaker teacher province trip. spent the day with the other ETAs and EPIK folks. we made dduk and dyed handkerchiefs (cultural experiences) and then separated into secondary and elementary to watch demo classes. for me, it was jus OK considering they did a 5th grade class and i teach 1st and 2nd which is so differnet you can't even understand. haha. also, i am fo sho the only one doing younger than 3rd grade so it wasn't helpful really to talk to the others or whatever.

altho i DID feel lucky that i speak BOTH english and korean decently enough that i always knew what was going on. since many ppl were there with their coteachers there were all korean times and all english times and almost always someone was out of the loop. but i was happy i understood both langauges. and my coteacher realized how lucky SHE is that she has me. the whole day she kept saying "i'm so happy we got you and you speak korean. i can't belive what it'd be like if i had to talk in english all the time. it would be so 닾닾해 and it would take so long to explain even one thing" and she realized how competent and culturally understanding i am. haha. so that was nice.

the snow up near jaecheon was PERRRRFECT for snowballs so clearly that happened quite a few times!! oh!! but i fell TWICE!!! i slipped on the way out of my teacher's car in the morning bc there was black ice on the parking lot and then i fell on my way out of the bus bc the steps were super slippery. my back is ok but i broke a nail pretty badly and have a bruise on one of my forearms from using it to brace my fall on one of the steps i think.

anyway, jess lee is coming today!!! whoopeeee!!! so im gonna read my book, write a letter to lil cricket, and clean my room. get psyched for like 2 entry a day days starting next week. hopefully. i've been so busy lately (but in a totally good way) it's been harder to update.

p.s. my thanksgiving turkey lesson went well!! and so did santa claus emotions. (pictures to come!)
on another positive note: english camp is over. so HOPEFULLY this means i get to leave school at 1:30ish for the next few weeks!!! (i'm getting soooo excited about LIFE!!!)

inside the box

i'm not sure if it's just because my students are so young (so there's a cognitive developmental explanation) or if it's because my students are korean (so there's a cultural explanation) but they seem to have this overwhelming epistemological framework that mandates: there is ONLY ONE RIGHT WAY to do anything.

i have noticed this in my past few weeks here. it takes a LONG time to convince them otherwise. For example, in writing the letter "O". i went clockwise. they said the korean 이응 (ㅇ) goes counterclockwise. i said it didn't matter. and they didn't know what to do. as long as it looks like an O in the end, i really don't think it DOES matter?

they are ALWAYS confused by my "7"s. which i cross. i forget where or why or when i picked this up, but i cross my 7s. and altho sometimes i've stopped doing it here when i'm writing it big on the board for something (it's just easier) it looks weird and naked to me (not all 7s, just the ones that i write). the kids think it's a 9, or a weird ㅋ (키엌). or something else.

today there was a tussle over the correct way to write a "K". with the 2 slanty lines meeting at ONE point on the vertical one, OR with the bottom one coming off the top one. i said they're both correct and the kids were puzzled.

even when i was teaching "q" the worksheet had a little thing on the tail that comes up to the right at a 45 degree angle. and the teachers wited it out before photocopying it so the kids wouldn't learn the "wrong" q for their english hakwons.

i dont understand WHY things are so standardized. i HAVE noticed before, the PECULIAR similarity between ALL koreans handwriting. both their korean, english, and numbers. my mom, other ajummas, my korean friends' parents' handwriting: they all look EXACTLY the same. amazing what this rote memorization writing lines educational system will do to you.

i stylize my writing bc it's fun and im lazy so it's easier to round my 기역 and 미음s and im vain so i like to feel different. i was quickly told here that my korean handwriting is "wrong" and i should go buy some handwriting workbooks bc it looked sily for my "adult ideas" to be scribbled in 한글 that was ashamed to be 한글.

handwriting is just one place i've noticed. probably the most prominent bc its so easy to see the conformity in practice. but i've come across it in a lot of other places, too. and sometimes it's amusing. sometimes it's frustrating, and sometimes it's just an interesting observation. but ALWAYS it's odd and noteworthy to me. esp. when i grew up so much more blase and in a "do what you want how you want as long as it doesn't harm anyone else" environment (home AND school).

how different would i be had i grown up here?

monday, monday (vent then reconcile)

it's shaping up to be those mondays that makes everyone hate mondays based on reputation only.

STUPID KOREA, STUPID JOB, STUUPID SCHOOL.

FIRST of all, i get to school, of COURSE no lesson plan from the slacker 2nd grade teachers. they're all NICE, but none of them PARTICULARLY REALLY cares for english. one teacher does. but she can't make the lesson plans ALL the time. plus she treats me like a parrot (actually i think she thinks she's doing me a favor by letting me "rest" for most of the class but i just get bored and feel useless).

NEXT, i have messaged ALL of the 2nd grade teachers, of COURSE still no lesson plan or response. ok wahtever, i know they'll apologize tomorrow. and i'll smile and say OK. but whatever.

NEXT, THIS FRIDAY, i will kill someone. probably. there is this "mandatory" english teachers program in jaecheon for all us chungbuk english teachers. HOWEVER, maia's teacher ASKED her if she wanted to go, and she said NO and so she doesn't have to. I DONT EVEN WORK ON FRIDAYS.

so ok. apparently it IS mandatory. and NO we cannot ask for compensation bc apparently the board of ed thinks it's doing us a FAVOR. talk about retarded. what kind of favor starts my weekend off on a bad note, takes 15+ hours of my time, is a 5-6 hour roundtrip commute away, and is korean ppl teaching me english? I DONT KNOW BUT IT SURE SOUNDS LIKE THIS FRIDAY. hmmmph.

anyway, there were more things, like how every time i ask my teachers to talk to the janitortype staff to fix my desks and chairs they don't, or say we'll jus fix them ourselves, and yet the mismatched chairsa nd desks are STILL distrating EVERY class i teach. teachers here are retarded sometimes. KOREANS are retarded sometimes. it begs the question, WHY?

buuuuuuuuuuuuuut, as my mom so wisely pointed out, asking "why" ppl act a certain way is jus maddening and itself begs no solution. so, i took a few breaths after freaking out and being pissed for 15 minutes and realized, i can't always ask WHY and then brood cuz tehre is no answer, and even if tehre is, it's not going to help me. sometimes you can only accept things and move on.

also, "fair" is not how the world always operates. and as much as i hate to admit it. that admission's gotten me a long way in terms of sanity and coping. also, i've been warming up to the idea, ok NOT warming up exactly, but slowly acknowledging and pondering that it is POSSIBLE that the world does not ALWAYS EXACTLY QUITE revolve around me, what i want, and what i think is right/fair.

email from wint: "according to one of those earlier psychologists, i think ppl specifically kids are supposed to grow outta that stage where they think the world revolves around them when they're like 8 lol. you apparently are very held back in that phase my dear"

well, looks like i'm making SOME progress, however late it may be. anyways, i've made peace with this friday. and my 2nd grade teacher sent me the lesson plan 5 minutes ago (after a day of class) with her most sincere apologies. and i dont hold it against her. she's a mom w/kids and the head teacher of her grade, and has her 36 kids all day long. i have nothing to complain about.

i have much less on my plate than anyone else i know in korea (even my hostsibs). and eventually "living abroad in a foreign culture alone" stops being an excuse for everything. so, yup. here's my positive outlook kicking in. (it's been in gear for a bit, but the newness of it is hard to shake off ...). i'm a work in progress. =)

lost in translation. again.

FINALLY figured out what this is about: pre-tday entry where i ask "what do americans eat for thanksgiving" and students answer "rice cakes!"

apparently, in KOREA, at Christian (non-Catholic) churches, they celebrate American Thanksgiving by giving out free 떡 rice cake at church. (something about puritans being some type of christian and escaping english protestants). altho why the korean PROTESTANTS (mostly) celebrate this holiday i'm not sure. perhaps some sort of ritualistic YES WE DROVE THEM OUT OF OUR COUNTRY, THOSE DIFFERENT FREAKS. or something of that nature.

(weird mood)

today is a good day.

it started out good (well mostly) when dennis woke me up at 7:30AM for a family breakfast. where 3 of us got rice and 김치찌개 and 2 of us (me and dennis) got scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast. woohoo! then i moped around for a few hours trying to wake up (i was somewhat zombielike, body moving around but not really awake in the brain area). then i showered (that helped a little) and we went out for some deeeeeelicious lunch of chicken and jook and samgyetangesque stuff. then i got dropped off at home so i could collect my things and meet jamal at angel-in-us. it was very productive! i wrote 4 letters!!!

and also discovered a new favorite drink. i'm gonna start going to the gym every day jus so i can drink one of these a week. it's a 밤라떼. i jus discovered on google that "angel-in-us coffee" is actually java city under a different name in korea. nice. too bad this still means no 밤라떼 in america. also discoverd that if you google "angel in us coffee korea" my blog is the 3rd hit for a prior entry on their green tea lattes. interesting. they are my favorite korean cafe chain bcaaaaaaaaaaaause their drinks are the sweetest. they are not as loud as other coffee shops. and they don't let ppl smoke inside. so yayyy for them.

anyways, afterwards. i went to visit subway store unni. she is seriously such an amazing person. i am so glad to have met her here in korea. i foresee lots of visiting her and learning from her. she is seriously so nice (and not in that creepy i'm gonna make you teach me english way). she sincerely is always so happy to see me (even more so when i do NOT buy stuff) and is always asking after my health and how tired i've been and whether life in korea is beating me up. she always gives the best most uplifting advice and stuff. and is always worrying that i am "alone" in korea. and how hard it must be away from my family.

today she made me feel better about having trouble with making friends here. basically, i was freaking out that i had a personality/character problem bc i am not very successful (nor trying) to make friends here and she was like omg no you can't think that. it's not your personality. there are just not very many ppl here whose personalities match (are compatible) with yours. wherever ppl go in the world, there are ppl who fit and don't fit. and she was saying how there are few actually bad and good ppl (dichotomy) but rather there are ppl who we are either compatible with or not to some degree or another. which got met thinking, and in agreeance about the truthiness of her statements. and made me feel loads better. there are THOUSANDS (ok maybe jus LOTS) of reasons why i am not compatible with the ppl here in cheongju, language being just the first. and that's not my fault. so yes, she made me feel much better. and that was only ONE of her uplifting things.

then i hurried home bc imo was making 갈비찜 for me. she looked up recipes ALL day yesterday online and then tried a practice at lunch yesterday. today was pretty good. nothing like Mommy's, which is the ultimate best i have ever had anywhere, but it was definitely satisfactory. also, she has never made galbi before at home. and never thinks she would have if not for me. she is really really nice. last week somehow it came up that i ate galbi every night for a month straight before coming to korea bc my parents knew i would find it hard to come by in korea bc it's expensive and "beef" from china is really cardboard. so in the past week, imo's made some sort of galbi or beef for me 3x. her kids are ecstatic cuz they've never eaten so much meat before. and i know it's expensive so i tried not to make a big deal so she wouldn't feel like she should always make it for me. but i think she knows that. she commented on how silently and efficiently i ate tonight. hehe. oh well. the meatlover in me will never die. =)