miexd up figners.

From: here

my sister makes a discovery...


J: it's no wonder he hasnt killed you yet  
J: *kissed  
J: oops...
J: ring fingers got mixed up
J: huh... that's funny 
J: if the ringfingers get confused kiss becomes kill

From: here

Sandwiches.Love

Courtesy of a fellow Yelper

I somewhat unexpectedly fell in love a few weeks ago.

While at my internship in Brooklyn, I developed a healthy craving for a DELICIOUS sandwich.  Seriously, not just any sandwich, but a REALLY, REALLY delicious sandwich.

So I googled "sandwiches brooklyn heights yelp."  That's how I discovered Lassen & Hennigs.  I am, no joke, quite literally, in love with the sandwiches here.  And everything the place offers in general.  Like, teenager-obsessed-can't-stop-thinking-about-it in love.

Every week, I count down to Wednesday and Thursday (my internship days), looking forward to my L&H lunches.  I used to pack lunch from home - oh-so-frugal.  But after my first sandwich here.  Frugality and bad economy and student budget be damned!  I'll skip eating the first half of the week and enjoy my L&H sandwiches, please.

I have ordered a different sandwich every single time and have yet to be disappointed.  The strawberry lemonade is divine (it ACTUALLY tastes of sweet strawberries rather than just being dyed pink!).  The chocolate chip cookies are perfectly cooked - just a BIT crunchy with a hint of chewiness in the center.

OMG.  I am so happy today is Wednesday.

White on rice.

Source: this blog

I was recently told I was the "whitest Korean girl" someone had ever met.  And that I might be "whiter than some white people."  I wasn't offended.  Just curious as to what makes me so "white."  Thoughts?

The Moms (one of my worse/non-apt titles)

From the episode: I Do Do

I recently watched an episode of 30 Rock (The Moms) where Jack Donaghy's mom (Colleen) finds out that he is seeing two women.  The following is a few lines from when Colleen confronts Jack (at 7:25).

Colleen: Be a man and pick one!

Jack: I can't!  They both give me different things; one connects me to the man I was, the other inspires...

Colleen: Just listen to yourself, Jack!

Jack: I know it's gay but it's my gay problem and I'm handling it!

I had to include the last two lines just because they're so awesome.  But Jack's first outburst is the one that got me thinking: What happens when you have to make that choice?  Not just in significant others, but to a variety of choices in life.  Where to live?  What job to take?  What to study?  Who to be friends with?  What hobbies to pursue?

If someone or something connects you to your past and who you were/are and another someone or something inspires you to be different or better in the present/future, and you have to choose, how are you supposed to go about making that decision?

Janus, who looks into both the past and the future

(And I know I keep claiming/promising to start writing more regularly/frequently ... but maybe this time I really will ... ?)

Discrepancy.

Saw these referenced today on a legal blog.  It's only funny b/c it's so true.

Law firm website v. What ppl are looking for

Source

Lawyer bios v. What ppl want to know

Source

Family resemblances.

Family portrait, Thanksgiving 2005.

during last night's dinner:

daddy: who does jiyun look like?
mommy: me! she looks like me!
me: no. jess is weird looking, she doesn't look like anyone!
daddy: then who do YOU look like?
me: i look like you
daddy: (angrily) NO! ... i'm better looking than you.

trouble empathizing

why do i have such a hard time empathizing with others?

when ppl say things like, i don't like my job. or i hate being a waiter the pay sucks. i don't know how to respond. it feels disingenuous or insincere to be like "yea i know right?" because literally i don't know.

how can i respond appropriately without being misconstrued as insincere ("oh, i totally get you") or snotty ("sorry i have no idea what that feels like")?

The (first) 5K

Source: Sign website

So this past weekend (June 19th), my sister and I ran my first 5K together.  For those of us NOT in the metric system (tiny minority of the world, but probably the majority of my readers), that's the equivalent of about 3 miles.  Now this wasn't the first time I'd run 3 miles, nor was it the first 5K that I had wanted to run.  It's just the first official 5K I've ever completed.

You see, I was never much of a runner (or an athlete for that matter).  I was always the brainy (read: nerdy and uncoordinated) type as a child.  More than running or playing outside I preferred reading or crafting.  Quiet, indoor, and preferably sedentary activities.  My sister and friends would be running and playing tag or hide-and-seek, but I really preferred watching from afar: putting together my new K'Nex set or reading from my ChildCraft Children's Encyclopedias (I kid you not-those books were AMAZING).  Anyway, more to the point, I was just very inactive.

We lived on a hill, and my driveway was a hill; I never learned to ride a bike.  Still don't know how to ride a bike.  I walked a block to my elementary school and then was always driven to my middle school.  Not being from a traditional "American" family, my parents never thought to sign me up for Little League or Junior Cheerleading or anything like that.  I'm sure if I had professed an interest in soccer or softball they would've supported me, but I just never did.  I was not much of a fan for sweating or getting dirty.

My middle school gym teacher told me I was "as sharp as a marble" when it came to picking up sports and games.  My high school gym teacher told me to move once in a while so as not to "kill the grass."  I even had a gym teacher who BRIBED me to run the mile.  If I didn't walk at least ONE lap and came in under 13 minutes he would wear his earring to our class one day (this was after a friend and I realized the small dimple in his ear was not a mole but an empty piercing).

Anyway, I guess the first time I really got into running was my junior year in college.  One of my closest friends was on the track team at school and I decided this would be a good way for me to get in shape and start enjoying everything Duke had to offer.  My roommate that year was a runner (she ran to stay in shape) and so I got started.  To be honest my first run was to blow off steam and stop myself from puking all over the place.  I had just learned that my college ex had hooked up with someone new and was feeling the waves of nausea that I now understood lay under his rage and hurt when I had moved on several months earlier.

I put my sneakers on, my roommate actually asked where I was going, it was around 7pm at night.  I told her I was running to East Campus and back (about 4 miles roundtrip).  As soon as I stepped foot outside my dorm, it started to drizzle.  Somehow it seemed poignant and "right."  I started to run.  It rained harder.  I only got to the Freeman Center on Campus Drive before turning around but still ran a good 2.5 miles that night.  And that was the beginning.

I loved the feeling of running.  It was so primal.  So physical.  I felt the road beneath my feet.  I felt the pebbles beneath the feet.  And Duke was so perfect for running.  Not only were there so many quads and the three campuses, East Campus had a gravel running loop, the golf course had a trail around it in the Duke Forest, the gym was beautiful and well-equipped.  Running was convenient at Duke.  It was at Duke that I first decided to run a 5K.  I was regularly running the Duke golf course trail (about a 2.9 mile loop).  Although if you count the distance from my dorm to the trail and back it was easily over 3 miles.  In the Durham heat.  So I figured a 5K was no biggie.

I talked my new roommate (a former swimmer and lifeguard) to run it with me.  I had been convincing her to join me on my indoor runs on the track suspended above the basketball courts in the gym.  She agreed.  I was really excited.  This was a 5K for a children's charity and it was going to be around Duke's campus.  I woke up the week before the 5K and headed out for brunch with a few friends... I noticed there were water tables on campus and arrows and signs for the 5K I had wanted to run... I had misremembered the date of the 5K.  It was already over that day and I had been too hungover and sleepy to even notice the runners on campus.  GIANT. FAIL.

After that, I don't think I ever really wanted to do a 5K again.  If I brought up the subject, I was promptly reminded of that time I was too collegey (re: drunk) to run a 5K and then laughed at.  However, this year shortly after my birthday, I decided to run a marathon.  I figured a) I always said I wanted to but why not actually do it this year, and b) it's about time I commit to something tough and actually follow through.  Completely fortuitously, this little fact came out during a study session with a classmate.  He had run 3 marathons previously and was training for one this coming fall (when I had planned to run).  He shared helpful tips and wonderful advice.

A few weeks later he forwarded me an email (running newsletter) that somehow got me to a website for the RunaMuck 5K.  It sounded like SO much fun that I forwarded the event to my sister and asked if she was interested (sister was a 3 season varsity runner for all 4 years of high school and ran the Boston Marathon in 2008).  We signed up and waited ... I got cold feet and wanted to back out ... she wouldn't let me... And that's how I found myself at the Registration table in Harriman State Park on a beautiful June morning.

To cut myself off - that race has been one of the MOST fun events in my life.  It was tough, I'm not going to lie.  Even though I started regularly running about 6 weeks ago, I had never really run on terrain (up and downhill, on a random trail, over rocks and dry leaves) not to mention the random obstacles that the 5K is known for (including 3 separate mud pits, a bungee maze, 2 balance beam walks over rocks, mini-climbing wall, hurdles, and a walk through the lake).  It was tough, but in the end I felt great - accomplished for actually showing up and for finishing.

Need to edit and there's so much more to say but I have to wake up at 6:30 to babysit two raucous 10 year old boys for over 12 hours, so this'll have to do for now...

The First (Push)

I never wanted to blog about boys.  Not really.  I always figured that stuff was supposed to be private.  And SJP had done it up in Sex and the City and I really never wanted to be a cliche or a sad wannabe.  But, here I am.  25 and single and seriously revisiting my previous relationships and behavior and how I got here.

In some ways I feel like I "wised up" in reverse.  I was so good at protecting myself, my head, and my heart when I was younger.  I'd always let the guy pursue me, date him for a bit, and then break it off before he or I got too bored.  I'd always have some new guy waiting in the wings, too.  Nothing serious, but just another guy I had been "talking to" for a bit and knew was interested.  It helped soften the little lonely periods that follow any breakup.  This is apparently the way you are "supposed" to do it.  (According to experts and my more successful and suave lady friends).  But as the years passed by I started buying into Hollywood's movie chick-flick rom-com brainwashing and started to think I had to give every passing John, Dick, and Harry my 110%.  Love doesn't have a chance unless/until I give it one, right?  So I'd better give every single heterosexual dude out there a chance... Or so it seems that's what I thought.

Anyway, in all those years of skepticism, and even now, it seems I've held fast to one (bad) habit: pushing guys away.  Looking back, it seems that pushing the guy away was my ulterior motive.  I guess despite all my ideal romanticizing, I never really stopped doubting.  I never fully believed that another person would or could love me, all of me, and so I pushed, I would push and push until finally, the guy would just walk away - just give up and leave.

In retrospect, it gets easier to forgive the guy and easier to be hard on myself.  There was my college boyfriend, A2.  I was A2's first everything.  And maybe that's part (or most) of the reason why, but really - this guy just would not quit.  Maybe, if I hadn't been so difficult, maybe he would've been the one to stick around and love me.

Now this is all just silly talk.  We were too different to ever really be compatible.  And my annoying habits were his pet peeves and vice versa.  And honestly both of us were too selfish for it to ever last in the long run (like when real sacrifices would be involved - moving for jobs, grad school, etc.).  In fact, I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did (although not surprised at the lack of stability in the relationship).

Nonetheless, I don't mind giving credit where it's due.  Despite his selfishness, despite his pride, despite his short temper, he really tried to give me, to give "us," a shot.  The way the relationship started off had been a bit shaky - pretty much with me giving him an ultimatum: make it official or I'm hooking up with that cute blond in my dorm.  And perhaps because of that, I never felt fully comfortable, fully secure in feeling that A2 really liked me.

Unfortunately, the result of that insecurity was my acting out, my pushing him away - just to see how far I could push before he left.  And to his credit, he came back.  So often, and after such strong pushes, he always came back.  (Clearly, there was a point when he didn't - but that's a story for another time).  If I could I would apologize to him (would I?)... OK, maybe I would theoretically apologize.  Like here.  For being such a child, such a baby.  Granted, I was 18 at the time and finding my way in the world, but I was impulsive, dramatic, hyperbolic, emotional, paranoid - well, maybe not really all these things, but I sure acted as though I were.  I wanted to see how much he could take before leaving.  And for that, I apologize.  I'm sorry I tested you.  I'm sorry I couldn't just accept that you wanted to be with me.  I'm sorry I put you through all that to ease my own insecurities.  And I thank you, too.  Because in putting up with me, you showed me what it meant to be a man - to accept responsibility and commitment.  Anyway, maybe the fact that he put up with so much meant he would've stuck around - had I not pushed him so adamantly and so hard.

But again, that's beside the point.  The larger lesson is, and what I'm most afraid of is, that I've actually met guys I"m more compatible with, that maybe really would've stuck around, but left too early because I made them.  Just to prove to myself that no guy is "for real" and that every guy disappoints in the end, I've created my own self-fulfilling prophecy.

This is a fault I'm starting to come to terms with and trying to change.  I'll be wonderful, normal me when I first meet a guy, and then as soon as he seems interested, I magically know exactly what type of girl/behaviors he hates, and I have to start being that girl and displaying those behaviors.  As soon as he seems like he might like me, I act out in ways I *know* he doesn't like, and start to push.  If he likes independent girls, I get needy.  If he thought I was thoughtful and reserved, I'll start shooting my mouth off and doing things I'll regret.  If he thought I was chill and down-to-earth, I start acting all high maintenance.  If he thought I didn't judge, I start acting all elitist.

Anyways, this got a lot longer than I meant it to, but that always happens with me and blogging.  But identification/self-awareness is the first step to fixing any problem, right?  I admit that I'm a Pusher: I have a horrible habit of prematurely pushing guys away.  Oops.  Operation: Try to just be "me" in a relationship: kindof underway...

Nature hurts.

Horsefly in Spiderweb

Source: Askville by Amazon

So, our house has had some ant problems lately.  My sister, being the "strong" one, has taken to viciously attacking them whenever she sees one.  And I mean VICIOUSLY.  Like grabs the first hard thing she sees (har har har) and runs all crazed hips forward-shoulders and head back and then starts whacking as though the ant were holding a gun to her child's head.  And these aren't big ants, I mean these are teeny tiny kinda cute ants.  Not the gross big ones where you can see all the separate body parts.  The point is, my sister is on this raging bug-hating/killing binge right now.

Lately, my sister and I have taken to studying in our dining room (big table, lots of space, close to the kitchen, etc.).  She studying for the MCAT and me writing for school and work.  Anyway, earlier today there was a big horsefly in our living room.  Apparently.  We were quietly studying when my sister grabs one of her study books and runs to the living room and starts poking around by the plants near the window.  She then comes back and says dejectedly, "Aww, man.  I lost it."  Me: "Lost what?" She: "A big fly."  I shrug, whatever.

Before dinner, we have another run-in with the big horsefly (I was going to include a picture but I literally retched in my mouth when I was image searching and saw them all detailed and blown up) where she loses it again.  By now, she's pretty riled up about this wiley horsefly getting away from her twice.  I don't care.  As long as it's not bothering me, I don't really care if it lives or dies.

Anyway, it's almost 11pm now and I go to my parents' bathroom tonight to get some floss and I hear a weird buzzing noise.  My parents recently got a Korean bidet seat for their toilet (that I have yet to see or use) so I walk in there wondering if that's what is buzzing.  It's not...  I look down where the sound is coming from and I see the fly... apparently frozen near the shower door hinge.

I look closer, and OHMIGOD NATURE IN ACTION!!!  The fly is caught in a spider web!!!  I back away and call out to my sister.
Me: Jiyun!!!  Remember that fly from before?  I found it!
J:  What?!?!!! Where!?!
I tell her and she runs off to the bathroom.  She returns 15 minutes later (NO JOKE).  She then proceeds to detail how she was watching it struggle and there was a small spider just stabbing at it with its many legs.  She can't figure out if the spider has started wrapping up the fly in its deathnest or is just poking at it.  I DON'T CARE!!!  This is disgusting and sad.  I tell her to go kill both of them quickly and put everyone out of his/her misery.  She says no.  She is going to finish her study chapter and check on them in 20 minutes.  I shiver...

20 minutes later:  She goes to check and returns 5 minutes later to report.  The fly is completely rolled up in a deathnest but there is now a BIG spider next to the wrapped up horsefly and the smaller, original captor is just a bit off to the side.  For some reason, upon hearing this, my eyes well up with tears and I am struck with a sense of hopelessness.  My sister shakes her head like there is something wrong WITH ME and walks back to continue watching the gruesome scene unfold.

I don't know why, but this really struck me as a sad and unfortunate situation.  I mean I know nature works the way it works for a reason.  Survival of the fittest, circle of life, food chain, etc.  But still, somehow, knowing that it's going on right in my own house and that there is death and pain and struggle and that there is nothing I that I could or should or even WANT to do to prevent it is a difficult way to feel.

I  mean, I hate bugs.  Spiders (which I know are technically not insects but whatever) and flies are among my least favorite things but their suffering still loomed rather large in my head.  And the fact that I really wasn't supposed to step in.  Besides, what would my interference have achieved?  I can't pick a "favorite" or a "side."  If I "save" the fly then I'm starving the spider(s).  If I leave the fly alone, then I am choosing the spiders over it.  Moral quandaries indeed!

I really have no idea what the point of this entry was.  Other than there was a bug situation that I think deserved its own spot on "Life" or "Planet Earth."  And that nature makes me sad.  Because there is no unilateral evil or "bad guy" to hate.  The spider was just doing what it had to do to survive.  And I can't begrudge or blame it for that.  And the fly, just by getting caught in the web, went from annoying pest to unfortunate victim/meal.  And its changed circumstances elicited pity and even a tear from me.  And THAT is not something that I expected when I woke up this morning.  To have shed a tear for the unfortunate lives of horseflies and spiders...

To do.

Things I need to STOP doing:

1.  Lying to myself
2.  Being "too honest" with everyone else
3.  Criticizing/judging
4.  Ignoring problems/duties
5.  Watching full TV series (i.e. watching all 5 seasons of HIMYM in 2 weeks)
6.  Buying books I don't have time to read (or space to store)
7.  Overcommitting myself/trying to "do it all"
8.  Falling asleep for two hours five minutes after I "wake up"
9.  Using the word "hate" as a verb (as in "I hate slow walkers")

Things I need to do:
1.  Stretch after my runs
2.  Go back to portioning my meals
3.  Wear sunscreen more often
4.  Focus on what needs to get done
5.  Read the books I buy
6.  Physically get out of bed the first time I "wake up"

lucky in love.

Haha.  The title of this post may confuse you.  Especially juxtaposed against the tone and content of my previous post.  I just came from watching "Date Night" with Steve Carell and Tina Fey.  I love them.  They are both so funny and their relationship throughout this movie was so cute and sincere (at least, to me).  I had no expectations going into this movie (decided to watch ANY movie after dinner on a whim) so I was pleasantly delighted to find that I enjoyed it.

On my walk home, I saw this couple full-on making out on the side of the sidewalk.  I'm talking girl pressing guy against the side of building on her tip toes making out.  At first I was like "Get a room" followed by the eye roll.  They started walking before I reached them and I was like, GOOD.  Then I spotted them again, at the corner of the next block.  They hadn't even gone ONE FULL BLOCK and she had pressed him up against the side of another building.  They just couldn't get enough of each other.  I was like "Oh, brother" all Liz Lemon style but then, I smiled.

I smiled because I had been there once upon a time.  I had experienced that all-consuming passion.  The "got-to-have-you-now"-ness and "don't-care-who-sees-or-judges"-ness of new (and not so new) beaus.  And I got to thinking.  Despite all the ups and downs and seeming disasters on the journey that is my "love life," I have experienced a crazy array of situations, events, and feelings.  So maybe I haven't met "The One."  I'm not even sure how much I (still?) believe in "The One."  But short of finding my "happy ending" (non-euphemistic) I have truly been lucky to have experienced "love" (or sometimes perhaps lust) in so many different ways.

I am lucky to be able to recognize certain men's fragrances/soaps and smile thinking of the guy who wore it. I am lucky to have certain stores I pause outside of and think of who I went in there with.  I am lucky to pause outside certain restaurants and smile thinking of the guy who took me there.  I am lucky to have certain routes where I can smile remembering who used to walk there with me.  There are certain subway stops where I smile thinking of who used to drop me off there.  There are certain street corners where I smile thinking of who I used to meet there.  (Hmm, that last one sounds dangerously dirty - BUT IT'S NOT!!!).

So here is an edited list of some of some of the other experiences I count myself lucky to have had:

Being proclaimed as someone's soulmate.  Twice.  Being proposed to as a backup wife.  Thrice.  Trip for two to the Côte d'Azur.  Nighttime walks on the beach.  Walks in Central Park.  Walks in Battery Park.  Soul-searching conversations in Battery Park.  Getting sent home from the Duke Golf Course running trail parking lot by DUPD.  Being the one he wanted to go to the hospital with.  Roses for returning from DC.  An orchid for being pretty.  Male locker rooms at Duke.  Empty football field at Duke.  Underneath the bleachers of the tennis stadium at Duke.  Midnight grilled cheese sandwiches.  And homemade French toast for dinner.  Golf lessons.  A best friend who was secretly in love with me but never made a move other than being there for me when I needed him and always taking care of me.  At least twice.  A (perhaps-not-so) secret affair.  Grocery shopping.  Broadway shows.  Meeting coworkers.  Meeting friends.  Meeting the parents.  Meeting the other half of the bromance.  Meeting the dog.  Showers.  Being bathed like a child.  Kisses on the forehead.  Train couchette - with 4 others asleep (hopefully).  Train rides through the French countryside.  Heat rash.  Or possibly stress hives (non-STD related!).  Play wrestling - no sex involved.  Dancing until we literally fell over from exhaustion.  Someone who knows every little thing about me - even more than my Mom knows about me.  "I'm sorry" lunch.  "I'm sorry" brunch.  "I'm sorry" dinner.  "I'm sorry" ice cream.  "I'm sorry" cab rides.  "I'm sorry" highlighters.  Candles and rose petals.  Dinner at the Boathouse in Central Park.  A personalized tour through the Met.  Staying up to make me watch The Notebook.  Cookout shakes delivered to me in the library.  A whole fake duel on the steps inside Perkins Library.  Valentine's dinner with his basketball buddies.  Piggyback rides around Kville.  Semiformals.  Dancing.  Not dancing.  Walks through the Duke gardens.  Lunch at the Nasher Museum.  Cocktails at the WaDuke bar.  Pho to cure hangovers.  Morning-after brunches.  Piggyback rides around the American Tobacco Campus in Durham.  Surprise birthday dinner with my family.  21st birthday bathroom antics.  Watergun fights - with chemlab goggles.  Dorm study rooms.  Giving each other colds.  Wearing his clothes.  Finding his clothes in my laundry.  Giving me his favorite childhood stuffed animal.  Teaching me to play video games.  Getting frustrated when I beat him.  Never playing said video game with me again.  Having someone to cook hangover 삼계탕 for.  Impromptu lens cases out of water bottle caps.  Having someone to bring home leftovers for.  Having someone to order a takeout meal for during girls' dinner.  Smuggling a live animal into Bostock Library.  Having the exact same read on another person.  Rainy day movies.  Being carried to bed.  Taking care of drunk strangers together.  Sleeping on the floor.  Golfing with my parents.  Rides home.  Walking me home.  Borrowing his coat.  Talking until the sunrise.  Drinking on the raised plaza outside JG.  Playing basketball.  Ignoring foul calls.  Keggerskating.  Bus terminal goodbyes.  Bus terminal welcome backs.  Rituals.  Nicknames.  Inside jokes.  Talking until the cell battery dies.  Drunk texts.  Care packages.  Garters.  White Hanes tank tops.  Christmas presents.  I'll-miss-you-when-you-go-on-vacation-so-here's-my-favorite-sweatshirt sweatshirts.  Souvenirs.  Postcards from faraway places.  Weathering the rain and a trip to Brooklyn to feed a friend's cat.  A date that I planned and paid for.  Watching movies in the theaters.  Watching movies at home.  Watching new TV shows.  Skipping class to take naps.  Hopping around on one foot in Kroger's grocery store.  Duke basketball.  Making up.  Walking.  Ordering Chinese food delivered to my apartment and his name is automatically on the order.  Having a "song."  New music.  Concerts.  Mobs.  Getting his car towed b/c we were behind a building for too long.  Sleeping while he reads Naruto.   Shopping together.  Bloomingdales.  The Apple store.  Strand.  New interests.  Sending him off to work in the morning and being left in the quiet calm of his apartment.  

I'm still an idealist.

Source: Etsy seller

Source: Flickr

So, another one bites the dust.  If you don't know, then it doesn't matter.  If you do, then now you know.  Hmm, Christine, why are you speaking in such riddles?  You are usually so forthcoming and honest and open about your life and its most intimate details.  Yes, this is true.  But other people are more private and I need to respect that.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and everyone knows it.  If you have not noticed, then you are probably dead or a rock.  I don't hide my feelings and have a harder time fighting off urges.  Especially urges to hide or mute my feelings...  If I'm cranky, then you know it.  If I'm happy, you can feel it.  If I'm ecstatic, yea, you just heard me shriek from 5 city blocks away.

I guess I still feel like a kid in so many ways  and that's part of what makes me so openly emotional .  Even after 25 years of life and its ups and downs and disappointments, I still try to treat every day like it's brand new.  I believe everything will work out somehow someday.  I love being happy.  New things catch my attention and old things give me comfort.  I trust that every person I meet has good intentions.  I believe every guy I meet will be the last one that matters.

And I guess that's today's theme - I'm an idealist and a romantic.  I was speaking with one of my oldest and dearest friends, M,  and was bemoaning the fact that I am so trusting and so giving and so completely hopeful with every relationship I have.  Even still.  Even after the dud of 2001, the debacle of 2004 and 2005, the lapse in judgment of 2005... and 2006... and 2007, the disappointment of 2007, and the disaster of 2009.  Even after all that, I still believe that THIS one will be a good one, this NEW one wll be different - somehow I've yet to become cynical.

I didn't quite see it like that.  I saw it more like, in every relationship, I am the one alone and sad at the end. i am the one who was willing to do anything to make it work.  When the other person quit.  When the other guy bailed.  At the end, I am never rarely, RARELY the one who throws in the towel (there have been some egregious examples of bad matchups where I've cut the cord).  Somehow, between all the Hollywood chick flicks and my parents' relationship, I have a no holds barred attitude when it comes to love and relationships.  It's 100% - all or nothing.  And this makes me the loser.  In the end.

But my friend said, No.  It's actually quite amazing that despite all my relationship troubles and lackluster track record, I still keep trying.  That I still throw myself into new relationships.  That I still believe in love and look for it and want it to happen.

To be honest, that's who I am.  I am the girl with the RIDICULOUS ex-boyfriends.  I am the girl that people tell stories about starting with, "This girl I know, you won't believe what the guy she was dating did...".  I am the girl who starts stories with, "Ok, so you're not even going to BELIEVE this one..." and has to end stories with, "No, I am not making this up!  Do you think I could make something like this up?!?"  I am the girl of the EPIC FAIL boyfriends.  That is me.  Comic relief from the everyday travails of relationships and the universal search for love, for belonging.

Some people say that I've dated a few too many people.  That I have had too many stints that I consider "boyfriends."  To them I say, maybe - but maybe not.  I try to give each guy a fair shot.  I treat each one like it's the last one.  Each new guy, for me, is the protagonist hottie in the chick flick.  The last one was the big doofus failure and this new one, this new one is the one that sticks.  And we'll break up once or twice or maybe even a few times.  But by the end of the movie we've found each other and laughed and cried and made up.  And that's my problem.  These movies have taught me NEVER TO QUIT.  Because in the end, if it's meant to be, it'll work!

Haha, but that's not true.  Or maybe it is.  But it hasn't been my experience yet.  So I guess no one has been my movie Prince Charming yet.  That's all it means.  And here I am veering off topic.  Well, I guess this IS just who I am.  My friends know this.  I can be a little choosy about who gets to be in my circle of friends.  But that's because once I let you into my life, it's 100%.  I live and breathe for my friends.  I keep in touch.  I send Christmas cards.  I remember birthdays.  I remember favorite colors, foods you're allergic to, and where you want to be in 5 years.  That's just me.  Once I approve, I've got your back for good.

It's just science, when you expend that much energy, you have to make sure you get a good return on that investment.  So yea, somehow that works out for my friends - I choose quality over quantity.  But somehow with boys, not so much.  Haha.

Ok, final point.  I am an idealist.  And M says that's a good thing.  Apparently most other people with my experirences would close up shop and quit.  But I haven't given up and I keep on trying.  I take that risk and let myself get hurt.  Over and over again.  And he says that's being brave.  I think it might be stupid on some level... but M says it's brave.  So I believe him.  And I feel better.  And I move on.

M says I should stay an idealist.  And NOT to become cynical.  Because that's the worst thing I could do.  To lose hope.  M got his inspiration from Conan.  So I looked it up so I could include the correct message.  And here it is:

"All I ask of you, especially young people, is one thing. Please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen." ~Conan O'Brien

And I've got to say.  I'm with CoCo!!! 

2 quick things.

I dunno. I just wasn't in the mood to Twitter/Tweet.

1.  I am excited for my sister to come home from college so I can steal her clothes.

2.  I miss my seeeeester so so so soooooooo much!!!!

this was brought on by a quick facebook stalking of my sister teehee. so i had her change my password so that during finals i couldn't sign onto my own account. but then i made her tell me HER password so i could randomly check things through her account. so i decided to look at ALL her tagged photos (i previously couldn't see the ones of her posted by her friends with uber-privacy controls).

and i can't believe how much she's grown up.  i really missed out on her college years. i mean, we only overlapped for one year. and then i was in korea and then i was in law school.  i missed out on her high school years too because IIIII was in college 500 miles away.  the last time i really lived with her day in and day out was in 2003.  seven years ago.  she's grown up so much since then. i'll have to post some pics of my high school graduation to show you what a baby she was when i left.

she's like an actual adult now. with a life that is barely intertwined with my own. and i can't just boss her around and make her be my slave anymore. i think i forget that. and that's the reason we sometimes get into huge fights during the holidays when we're both home.  i still treat her like she's my kid sister who doesn't know anything. ha. she's my mentor now. seriously. she's so responsible and so wisdomous and makes my life make sense to me. =)

Conversations (abridged)

12:31 AM J: if someone doesn't apologize, you shouldnt say "dont worry about something"

  

J: i could see you preemptively saying dont worry about it

 J: hahaha

  

J: oops...

12:36 AM J: ring fingers got mixed up

J: huh... that's funny

 J: if the ringfingers get confused kiss becomes kill

My new poster!

Ok, so last year I was all up in arms about buying a 2nd poster for my room. I even blogged about it (here).

FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY after wasting so much time on the interwebs and coming up with and then rejecting several DIY artsy ideas, I found a print I fell in love with.

After reading about 20x200.com at one of my favorite blogs (link here) I decided to give it a looksee.

I stumbled upon this image.

And I fell in love. I can't say exactly why. I love the pink and green (theme of my room!) and I've always loved birch trees. I've also noticed that I am really into birch tree art (and by this I mean I've seen 2 pieces of art in the past 7 months with birch trees and I liked both of them a lot lot lot).

I know $200 is a lot on my meager student budget .... but since I returned those craptastic shoes below (and the color was a lot prettier than the picture) I figured I deserved this print. Also, it's ART!!! And it makes me oh-so-happy!!!

NOT WORTH IT.

Source: Nordstrom

Bought these $300 shoes on sale for $198 at Nordstrom.com. Not worth it. You can see all the glue. And the heel position is not good so my center of balance is all off. Who wants to pay that much for shoddy craftmanship?

Forgiveness. Or at least, Letting Go.

Source: Fan blog

I received an email on December 29th, 2009 from one of my closest college gal pals. She sent along this article/post from Daily Candy with the comment: "how i felt toward [REDACTED]"

There had been some "drama" several years ago with the (ex?) friend that she named. To be accurate, it occurred when we were still in college so about 2.5 to 3.5 years ago. Anyway, it hadn't occurred to me that even now, 3+ years after everything had happened, she still might have trouble getting her feelings out in words and letting it all go.

However, I had also been through/was still going through some unnecessary and unwanted drama in my own life. One of those situations when someone goes from Most Trusted Friend to Enemy of the State. Anyway, I've found that reading through while filling the blanks DOES have a calming effect and reproduced the letter below.

If you're harboring any ill will or negative feelings, I say give the "fill-in-the-blank" a go and see if it helps. As cliche and "Gossip Girl" as it (the letter's tone) seems, it's a useful tool in putting feelings/thoughts into words. Especially for those of you/us who are wont to hold things in. Also, all it is is a template. And it does a pretty decent job at that.

Highlights: Honesty (recognizes both the bad AND the good) and Tone (ends on a positive note)

Dear ___ [name of frenemy],

After reflecting on our ___ [Freudian term] relationship, I realized that you suck the energy out of me like ___ [2009 vampire protagonist]. My therapist told me to get everything off my ___ [body part], so here goes:

Truth is, I never liked going ___ [trendy retro leisure sport] with you. I’m not your personal ___ [pathetic reality TV sidekick]. And it’s no secret that you ___ [past-tense verb] my boyfriend. I’d ask if you were on ___ [prescription drug], but I already know the answer, since you stole it from my ____ [aging relative].

Of course, there were magical times (guzzling whiskey cocktails at ___ [favorite NYC gastropub], charging clog boots at ___ [favorite indie boutique] on your mom’s credit card), but I want to move into 2010 as a healthy, ___ [positive emotion] person.

I do blame you for my ___ [sign of aging] but otherwise no hard feelings. Here’s to making 2010 as drama free as ___ [PBS documentary title].

Love,
___ [your name]

(Belated) New Year's Resolutions

Source: Quote-y blog
(unfortunately the results for a "new year's duck" Google image search turned up only cooked ducks...)

Last year I had a New Year's "theme" rather than a resolution (that link is sub-par ... I mistakenly thought I had devoted a whole post to my New Year's Theme). This year it seems more appropriate to say I'm sporting a mixture of resolutions and maxims. I suppose if this year were to have a theme, it would be summed up by one of my favorite quotes:

Always behave like a duck: keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like hell underwater.

I only now just realized that this quote that I have loved forever is just a bastardized version of the Michael Caine quote from the picture above. I can't say which version I prefer. I do have a thing for consistency and first impressions. BUT the Michael Caine quote uses the word "dickens" in it - which the nerd in me is giddy over.

In any case, I suppose that is my theme for the year. To share more of a calm (refined?) and thoughtful aura with the world while working my tail off where it counts. To be fully honest, now that I look at it, it does seem like the same theme as last year in different words. Well, I could say it looks like I failed last year's theme. ORRR another way to look at is through the lens of: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." - Thomas H. Palmer

In the spirit of full disclosure, (and for my own record - dear readers, please feel free to hold me to my resolutions/maxims) allow me the indulgence of listing my New Year's resolutions/themes.

1. 말이쁘게 하기 (literally "to talk prettily" - but more in the sense of taking the edge off my biting sarcasm, brutal honesty, and judgmental proclamations/criticisms)

2. To be more patient

3. To be less judgmental/more open-minded/accepting of people who are different from me

4. To be less emotional/superlative

Don't worry. I'm not lobotomizing myself. I plan on being as gregarious and enthusiastic as ever. Just about more pleasant topics and excited in more positive ways. Well, I've got a full day ahead of me tomorrow. Off to bed now =)

And just because pictures of ducks are just so freaking cute (notsomuch in real life).

Source: Another blog

Source: FreeFoto.com

Source: Another blog 2

Reflection and Resurrection

First hit for "starting again" on Google images
Source: Blog on flying?

Another pretty random hit on Google images
Source: Dusty Groove

And this one just seemed even more random so I had to include it
Source: Amazon
(I love irrelevant but somewhat topical images for blog posts - perhaps I'll even devote a whole post to this topic)

It's official. I'm going to start blogging again. I can't promise that I'll do it very often. But I do want to make it more regular. I miss it. I really, really do. I miss writing. I miss being able to archive my thoughts. (Also, my dear friends L and K inspired and then complimented me into doing it).

In my last post, I said I wouldn't be back until I found my voice. Well, I have a voice. My "voice," my point of view, it's just me. I want my blog to be about me and it probably should be about me. After all, I'm the only thing I really know enough about to write on. After reading Tiffany's post over at I am Style-ish on whether or not her blog genuinely reflected her, I realized that what she said rang true with me (p.s. I LOVE LOVE LURV her blog - we are taste twins! Just head over there for a peek and you will see what I mean). I share her concerns for privacy and safety (not to the same extent - I'm nowhere near as web-popular as she is) but I also believe that everything (or at least nearly everything, I haven't had the time to actually go through and vet every post) I've posted does represent who I am. At least at the time that a particular post was written.

Following in that vein, I feel ready to resurrect my blog. Disclaimer: It IS going to be about me, my interests, and other things that happen to catch my fancy. Don't say I didn't warn you. If it happens to be cookies or an omelette one day, so be it. If it's my professor's view on copyright, so be it. If it happens to be super-gorgeous shoes or a satin bow headband, that's what I'll blog about. Pretty much anything that I would tell a stranger at a friend's house is fair game for post topics. Not too personal but definitely genuine. I think that's a fair line to draw. After all, you probably don't want to read about my pet peeve for the day or why friend X is the meanest person I know. But if I would feel comfortable sharing it with a stranger at a cocktail party, you get to read about it - regardless of how trite, or how monumental, the subject.

That being said, I am also going to disconnect my blogspot from my Facebook feed after this current post. I'll leave the link to my blog on my Facebook profile, so if you choose to continue reading you'll have that option. But I'm not going to shove my blog down your (digital Internet) throats.

I'm going to have some work to do before I'll be completely up and running again (creating and implementing a consistent set of "labels," a new format/coloring, etc.) but I'll do what I can to keep you entertained in the meantime. Just be patient with me.

One last caveat: the topics I will most LIKELY be blogging/writing/posting about (what IS the correct verb for doing this?):
- Me
- Food (that I like, eat, create, or am DYING to eat or create)
- Law school/career stuff
- Clothing and fashion
- Things that are pink and/or shiny
- Organizing
- Anything else that happens to be relevant in my life

Like I said, don't say I didn't warn you!

P.S. One of my goals for the "new" blog is user-friendliness. If you are so inclined please comment on formatting, font, layout, anything really and/or make suggestions.

Some starting points for discussion:
1. Do you like the pink background or should I revert back to white?
2. Do you prefer the blogs I list on the right to be listed alphabetically or by most recent post?
3. Do you care for the titles of the most recent posts or should I limit it to a bare list of blog names?