Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I'm still an idealist.

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So, another one bites the dust.  If you don't know, then it doesn't matter.  If you do, then now you know.  Hmm, Christine, why are you speaking in such riddles?  You are usually so forthcoming and honest and open about your life and its most intimate details.  Yes, this is true.  But other people are more private and I need to respect that.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and everyone knows it.  If you have not noticed, then you are probably dead or a rock.  I don't hide my feelings and have a harder time fighting off urges.  Especially urges to hide or mute my feelings...  If I'm cranky, then you know it.  If I'm happy, you can feel it.  If I'm ecstatic, yea, you just heard me shriek from 5 city blocks away.

I guess I still feel like a kid in so many ways  and that's part of what makes me so openly emotional .  Even after 25 years of life and its ups and downs and disappointments, I still try to treat every day like it's brand new.  I believe everything will work out somehow someday.  I love being happy.  New things catch my attention and old things give me comfort.  I trust that every person I meet has good intentions.  I believe every guy I meet will be the last one that matters.

And I guess that's today's theme - I'm an idealist and a romantic.  I was speaking with one of my oldest and dearest friends, M,  and was bemoaning the fact that I am so trusting and so giving and so completely hopeful with every relationship I have.  Even still.  Even after the dud of 2001, the debacle of 2004 and 2005, the lapse in judgment of 2005... and 2006... and 2007, the disappointment of 2007, and the disaster of 2009.  Even after all that, I still believe that THIS one will be a good one, this NEW one wll be different - somehow I've yet to become cynical.

I didn't quite see it like that.  I saw it more like, in every relationship, I am the one alone and sad at the end. i am the one who was willing to do anything to make it work.  When the other person quit.  When the other guy bailed.  At the end, I am never rarely, RARELY the one who throws in the towel (there have been some egregious examples of bad matchups where I've cut the cord).  Somehow, between all the Hollywood chick flicks and my parents' relationship, I have a no holds barred attitude when it comes to love and relationships.  It's 100% - all or nothing.  And this makes me the loser.  In the end.

But my friend said, No.  It's actually quite amazing that despite all my relationship troubles and lackluster track record, I still keep trying.  That I still throw myself into new relationships.  That I still believe in love and look for it and want it to happen.

To be honest, that's who I am.  I am the girl with the RIDICULOUS ex-boyfriends.  I am the girl that people tell stories about starting with, "This girl I know, you won't believe what the guy she was dating did...".  I am the girl who starts stories with, "Ok, so you're not even going to BELIEVE this one..." and has to end stories with, "No, I am not making this up!  Do you think I could make something like this up?!?"  I am the girl of the EPIC FAIL boyfriends.  That is me.  Comic relief from the everyday travails of relationships and the universal search for love, for belonging.

Some people say that I've dated a few too many people.  That I have had too many stints that I consider "boyfriends."  To them I say, maybe - but maybe not.  I try to give each guy a fair shot.  I treat each one like it's the last one.  Each new guy, for me, is the protagonist hottie in the chick flick.  The last one was the big doofus failure and this new one, this new one is the one that sticks.  And we'll break up once or twice or maybe even a few times.  But by the end of the movie we've found each other and laughed and cried and made up.  And that's my problem.  These movies have taught me NEVER TO QUIT.  Because in the end, if it's meant to be, it'll work!

Haha, but that's not true.  Or maybe it is.  But it hasn't been my experience yet.  So I guess no one has been my movie Prince Charming yet.  That's all it means.  And here I am veering off topic.  Well, I guess this IS just who I am.  My friends know this.  I can be a little choosy about who gets to be in my circle of friends.  But that's because once I let you into my life, it's 100%.  I live and breathe for my friends.  I keep in touch.  I send Christmas cards.  I remember birthdays.  I remember favorite colors, foods you're allergic to, and where you want to be in 5 years.  That's just me.  Once I approve, I've got your back for good.

It's just science, when you expend that much energy, you have to make sure you get a good return on that investment.  So yea, somehow that works out for my friends - I choose quality over quantity.  But somehow with boys, not so much.  Haha.

Ok, final point.  I am an idealist.  And M says that's a good thing.  Apparently most other people with my experirences would close up shop and quit.  But I haven't given up and I keep on trying.  I take that risk and let myself get hurt.  Over and over again.  And he says that's being brave.  I think it might be stupid on some level... but M says it's brave.  So I believe him.  And I feel better.  And I move on.

M says I should stay an idealist.  And NOT to become cynical.  Because that's the worst thing I could do.  To lose hope.  M got his inspiration from Conan.  So I looked it up so I could include the correct message.  And here it is:

"All I ask of you, especially young people, is one thing. Please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen." ~Conan O'Brien

And I've got to say.  I'm with CoCo!!! 


Lydia said...

yayy! a real post! I'm really glad I read this post because it cleared up a few things for me.

I remember when I first met you, I thought you were a bit snobby and cold. (gasp! but I bet the feelings were mutual? ahaha) Of course, after we became friends, I realized you weren't, but even then, I guess I still had remnants of that first impression still floating around. I mean, I wasn't even aware of it until I read this entry and realized that all along, I had misunderstood your cautiousness for distance.

Anyway, after reading, I have to say, you're so cute and I miss you!

sheelbie said...

do we need to convene and trash talk the stupidity of boys!?!?!?

Maia said...

I heart you. I've missed this blog!