Tuesday, November 18, 2008
i miss dating. (the real deal)
(p.s. you'd be surprised how many image hits you get for googling "broken heart" lol well at least i'm not alone! =)
as promised. the original intent of friday's post.
i miss dating. or at least i think i do. maybe i just miss the requisite feelings that are a part of the initial dating ritual.
it's not even dating per se. i might just miss having a crush on someone. i might miss being obsessed with someone, so that i have to push them out of my head just so i can read a few pages before i realize i'm goofily grinning to myself again thinking of him (or her- i support proposition 8).
i miss being so excited just by the THOUGHT of someone. i miss that brief period of time when one name, a few letters, can bring me to smile like a fat kid in a candy store (parody of i love you like a fat kid loves cake) . i miss that unknown unspoken yet electrifyingly exciting fear of "does he like me? does he like me back? does he like me like me like i like him?" (borrowed a little from avenue q right there). there's definitely an adrenaline rush that goes along with the not knowing. it's that feeling you get before jumping off a cliff, diving into the deep end, starting off on a new adventure. you're not really sure where you'll go or where you'll end up or how you'll even get there. but it's thrilling just to know you're starting.
i miss the anticipation. the when will i randomly see him next? that comes before the stage when you KNOW you'll be seeing him again. before you get to the point of making time for each other. i miss the getting to know you. the selective sharing of stories. how you get a chance to show him who you wish you were before you realize that he already knows better and likes you for who you are and not who you want him to think you are.
i miss the first shared experiences. the first bus ride together. the first time he holds your hand and inside you feel like running through the streets yelling YIPPEEEE and random strangers give you high-fives like in an ugly betty daydream but you totally play it cool and his heart is also totally beating loud enough for you to hear but both of you act casual like this isn't a big deal, like this isn't the first time you're really saying, really admitting, ok i'm going to open myself up to this person, i'm going to care, i'm going to trust you - let you in and hope i'm not letting a bull loose in a china shop (which, odds are, is how it's gonna end - what? that doesn't happen to anyone else? just me? um... what yea i meant, me neither)
moving on. haha. incidentally that happens to be my next point. oh i love it when i'm punny. i guess my point is i'm realizing that i miss having a significant other. for a period from say 1996 to 2004 i continually had a "boyfriend." there were little lapses of a few months of being single at the longest. and not to say all my teenybopper bfs were intimate and life altering and so meaningful. let's face it, they were little amateur crushes that went a few months beyond crushing and angsty attempts at what the rest of the world told us was love or like or romance or hormones or whatever you want to call it.
needless to say, nearly the first decade of my formative years was spent in constant fluxes of crushing and the first steps to relationships. maybe that was just my personality. i'm actually quite renowned for never being able to make up my mind. i'm apparently also quite a sampler. i love to order entrees for everyone at the table so i can have just a taste of each bc i can't commit to just one taste myself - not even for the duration of the one meal. ykno, just a little nibble because everyone knows the first taste of something is the best. after a while you get sick or bored of even the most wonderful thing.
which is not to pick on wonderful things and i'm not saying that one "thing" is never good enough. it's more a reflection of the (im)maturity of my character. i'm still at that childlike place where every new thing is a thing of wonder and amazement even tho it's inevitable that i'll easily bore of it.
on the flip side, altho i don't think its the flip side exactly, i can't choose just one dish or commit to it bc what if i've made the wrong choice? what if i dont actually want the prime rib? i THOUGHT i did but really i want the tilapia filet. what then? better to be safe and have both available and have just enough of each that i neither regret not getting one or the other OR regret getting one or the other.
wow. there are so many mixed metaphors here i almost don't know what i'm talking about but DO want to find myself in a nice candle-lit restaurant. just kidding. i hate ... well kinda dislike candlelit restaurants. i don't like eating in the dark. i like to see my food and the people i'm eating with etc etc etc. part of my control freak nature perhaps?
yes, i can see that this entry (the window to my thoughts and soul) is clearly going to win me many a bachelor man for me to crush and swoon over ... haha they're lining up outside down the block already.
OR maybe that means it's time for me to go to bed. i'll have to run one final editing eye over this in the morning. and anyway, please don't take this as a pity me rant because i don't have a boyfriend. if you read critically (as all good lawyers should) you'll see that wasn't the point at all.
the point is,. well, i'll let you ruminate on that one.
the point is that i havent missed boys/relationships/dating/crushing at all for quite some time (let's give it a conservative estimate of 4 years) and maybe that was bc i wasnt ready again/yet. i didnt want another person in my life another person that could hurt me. but maybe im finally ready. finally over it. finally whole enough to be able to broken again. it was definitely a long time in the coming (making?). and i can only hope that it'll be worth it.
legally yours, c.pink
(i considered lovingly yours and longingly yours, but they were too "the notebook"y and not enough of me)
blech to cheesiness