|Role reversal, though.|
But this time I was the ghost.
As I've been mentioning, I've been having a larger than usual occurrence of rather negative and terrifying dreams. About a week ago, I dreamt that one of my goddaughters had died. This was tragic for so many reasons. But as her mother told me how my goddaughter had felt about me I just felt this empty wrenching hole in my stomach. It was this intense tightening of the stomach - I'm not sure I'm explaining this well but that's how it felt. Like a black hole of ridiculous gravity-power was in the middle of my torso and wrenching everything I could feel into it.
A few nights ago I had another dream. This time I was the one who died. Not only did I die, but I was a ghost, and able to interact with the world I'd left behind. I have no idea how I died or how much time had passed (but not too much) between my death and my realizing I was a ghost in my dream-world. But I had a significant other (SO). I've heard/read that the human brain can NOT create faces, so clearly the face was someone I'd encountered somewhere, but I didn't recognize him then, and I don't recollect it now. I was an invisible ghost trying to tell this significant other that I was still here, that I could still see him, that I could still hear him.
This sounds creepy now, but since I started, I might as well finish. So, in my dream world (in which, nothing else was different from our real world), if a ghost concentrated super hard and focused super intensely, we could take some physical form and affect things in the real world. So for me, I had to focus really hard on holding a pen and writing (really, it was scrawling because it was so difficult) "I'm here" on a piece of paper in the same room as the SO.
I had been trying to reach out to him already, and maybe this is something I picked up from Casper (the movie with Devon Sawa) or perhaps Harry Potter, but if I came into "contact" with a human they felt a chill. Not everywhere, but just where the contact was. So I had been trying to touch him, hold his hand, his shoulder, and he just kept looking for an open window or other source of the chill. After he saw the "I'm here" he froze. And somehow he knew. He knew that the chills had been me trying to touch him and let him know I was here.
And I knew he was waiting for me now. So I took both his hands - and by "took" I mean somehow my hands were going THROUGH his but in the same space so he felt a chill there. And then we kissed. And by "kissed" I mean his lips felt a chill from mine being there.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is so embarrassing to share. It's like a ridiculous Nicholas Sparks novel but usually/slash/ALWAYS the girl is the SO (because let's face it, this is a story/movie that only works and that we could only enjoy if the girl were left behind and grieving and the GUY were a ghost who was staying behind to comfort her) and Gerard Butler or some other B-list actor with soulful eyes were the ghost-lover.
Anyway, the POINT is that I felt that same feeling again. That same black hole of gravity in my stomach feeling. Like missing and wanting something so badly that I've missed out on and can never have again.
I have had a rather stress-inducing past 3 weeks, in a very passive sense, waiting to hear on something. And perhaps these dreams have only occurred in that span of time. I wasn't paying close enough attention to be sure. But hopefully this is just a symptom of that feeling, of being powerless and just waiting for an outcome that is, at this point, wholly out of my control.
I sure hope so.